


5 Times that Alex Left and the One Time he Finally Stayed

by Sweetgirl2019



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-16 01:12:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18084554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetgirl2019/pseuds/Sweetgirl2019
Summary: Covers their relationship from the senior year and through the long decade before Alex came home





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Malex will be the death of me

  
ONE  
  
               

              Alex sat on the empty bleachers in the courtyard, rubbing his tired eyes in exhaustion. Staring up at the evening sky, he curled his arms around his knees. School had ended several hours ago but he couldn’t bring himself to go home yet, not when he knew what was awaiting him. All week, his mind had been rehashing everything that had happened in an endless loop. What should have been the greatest day of his life, filled with moments where he experienced pure happiness for the first time, everything had instead shattered around him. Shutting his eyes, he allowed memories of his father’s vicious cruelty to wash over him.

                *****

_Once the door to the shed had slammed shut, Alex rushed towards Michael who had fallen to his knees, cradling his bleeding, broken hand. He placed a shaky hand on Michael’s shoulder and released the breath he had been holding when he didn’t pull away._

_“Come on,” Alex said and slowly led him towards the bed._

_Grabbing the first aid kit he had hidden long ago, he moved to sit beside him._

_“I have to try and clean it.”_

_Looking up at Michael’s face, he saw the other boy had his eyes screwed shut, clenching his teeth from the expected pain. Moving as gently as he could, he held Michael’s wrist and began cleaning the blood away._

_“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered when Michael cried out in pain._

_Once the gauze had been firmly wrapped, Alex removed his hands and stared down at his lap. The silence lasted for several seconds until he felt Michael’s good hand touch his face._

_“Hey, look at me,” he began but Alex couldn’t bring himself to lift his gaze. “Sweetheart, look at me, please?”_

_The pleading in his tone made Alex look up and the moment their eyes met, the tears he had been holding in began to stream down his face._

_“I am so sorry,” he cried out, shutting his eyes._

_When he felt Michael move closer to him, slipping his good arm around his waist, Alex tried to pull away, the guilt too heavy in his chest._

_“Please come here,” Michael begged quietly._

_Unable to deny the other boy anything, Alex pressed in close and wrapped his arms around Michael’s shoulders. As he buried his face into the warm neck, Michael ran his good arm up and down Alex’s back, soothing him._

_“I’m okay. I’ll be okay, please don’t cry.”_

_Alex pulled back and shook his head._

_“How can you be comforting me right now? I should be comforting you,” Alex cried, angrily wiping at his eyes. “How do you not hate me?”_

_“I can’t ever hate you,” Michael replied, smiling sadly._

_Feeling resigned, Alex slowly pulled away and rose to his feet._ _"We need to get you to the hospital.”_

_Before Michael could respond, he felt a sudden sharp pain in the back of his head. Closing his eyes, he had a blurred vision of Isobel in trouble, needing him. Snapping his eyes back open, he looked up at a worried Alex._

_“I have to go,” he began, reaching for his shirt._

_“I’ll take you to the hospital.”_

_“No, I’m fine,” he replied, groaning in pain as he slipped his shirt back on._

_“Guerin…,” Alex started, reaching for him._

_“I said I’m fine! I have to go!” Michael exclaimed, rushing past Alex and running from the shed._

_Alex stood frozen, his eyes catching on the drying blood covering the workstation next to the hammer his father had left behind. Several minutes passed before Alex’s body finally began to shake as the pendulum of emotions from the day suddenly hit him. When the door slowly reopened, he looked up to see the vacant look in his father’s eyes before focusing on the thick leather belt in his dominant hand. Breaking down in tears, Alex fell to his knees as his father took a step inside the shed, the door closing behind him.  
_

*****  
  
Sighing heavily from his spot on the bleachers, Alex touched his sore ribs out of reflex. The beating that night had been one of the most brutal he had ever received. Too emotionally vulnerable and heartbroken to fight back, he had simply given in and taken the hits until his father’s exhaustion forced the abuse to come to an end. He had stayed unmoving on the floor, bloodied and broken, until the sun had risen the next morning.

                Choosing to ditch school that following day had been a given. He’d waited until his father had left the house before crawling out of the shed and making his way to his bedroom shower. Collapsing in the bathtub, he had sat naked under the flow of water, his tears mixing with the hot spray. Only when the water had started turning cold did he manage to rise on shaky legs and clean the dried blood away.

                Once he had finally dragged himself back to his bedroom, the visual that greeted him in the mirror had made him freeze. Dark bruises had already formed across his chest and ribs, painting a stark image of the abuse he’d experienced. Covering his body in oversized clothes, he’d locked his door and spent the rest of his day in bed, numb to the world around him.

                Carefully spreading his body across the bleachers, he stared up at the vast darkness above as another memory washed over him.

                *****

                _He had skipped another two days before emerging from his solitude. At school, he avoided Liz and Maria at every turn, knowing the latter was desperate to grill him for news on the boy she had affectionately named Museum Guy. After he and Michael had made out in the back room, Alex had suggested they go somewhere more private than his workplace. With Michael waiting for him outside, Alex had quickly phoned Maria, gushing to her about the amazing boy who had kissed him in the museum, the same boy that he was falling in love with.  Considering how quickly everything had changed that day, Alex couldn’t bring himself to face his friends._

_Leaving the safety of the restroom, he rounded the corner and froze when he saw Michael waiting at his locker. He thought of dashing away to avoid the heartbreaking conversation he was expecting but Michael had already seen him. They stared at one another for several seconds until Michael tipped his head to the empty classroom across the hall. Alex followed him, staring at his feet until he heard the door shut behind them. All he wanted was to pull Michael to him and take refuge in the arms of the only light inside his life’s darkness. The guarded look in the other boy’s eyes stopped him._

_“Did you go to the hospital?” he managed to ask._

_Michael stared down at his bandaged hand and nodded. They stayed silent for another few beats until Michael finally sighed._

_“Look, I think we should cool things between us,” he began._

_As much as he had been expecting it, the words still cut Alex in half. Looking down, he nodded and used every strength in him to keep his tears from falling._

_“Yeah, I figured,” he replied, swallowing hard._

_“I just need some space. Some other stuff happened and I need to figure things out.”_

_“Of course, I understand.”_

_Michael sighed heavily. “You planning on looking at me?”_

_Steeling himself, Alex lifted his eyes to meet the gaze of the boy who had stolen his heart with a single kiss._

_“I understand, Guerin. Really,” he forced the words out of his mouth. “After what happened, how can I blame you?”_

_Michael opened his mouth to speak but Alex took a step back and waved him away._

_“Don’t worry about it. I really do understand,” he said and reached for the door handle. “I’m sorry for everything.”_

_Before his emotions could betray him, he tore out of the room, ignoring Michael as he called his name. Rushing through the halls, he kept going until he was out of the building and far from school grounds. Only when he was far enough that no one could see him did he let his tears finally fall. His feet carried him all the way back to his house and up the stairs. Broken-hearted and alone, he turned towards his bedroom door in resignation when he heard his father’s heavy footsteps.  
_

*****  
  
                Four days had passed since Michael had ended things and his newest injuries were still fresh against his skin. Everything inside Alex hurt. His body was a mess of bruises under his clothes, his soul carried the weight of a man twice his age and his heart was a shattered mess, holding a heaviness he was unsure would ever fully go away.

Rising to his feet, he left the safety of the bleachers and quietly walked the long way home. As he rounded the corner towards his house, he sighed gratefully when he saw that his father’s truck was already gone. Only when he had climbed the front steps did he notice Michael sitting on the bench a few feet away, smiling as he rose to greet him.

                “What are you doing here?” Alex asked after a beat.

                “You were hardly at school the past few days. I wanted to see you, to see if you were okay.”

                Alex stared at him for a long moment before moving past him towards the door. “Why?”

                “What do you mean, why?” Michael said with a laugh, following him when he walked inside.

                Too exhausted to argue, Alex sighed and closed the door behind them. Not bothering to respond, he slowly made his way up the stairs, listening to the sound of Michael’s footsteps behind him.

                “I waited down the street until he left,” Michael offered as they walked towards the bedroom.

                Tossing his hoodie inside the hamper, Alex took a seat at the edge of his bed, pulling the sleeves of his shirt down to cover his wrists. He finally looked up at Michael who was nervously standing just inside the doorway, watching him.

                “What do you want, Guerin?” he asked, keeping his tone indifferent.

                Michael sensed his odd voice and took a step forward, his anxiety falling away.

                “Why are you acting like this?”

                “Like what?”

                “Like I’m a stranger instead of…?”

                “Instead of what, Guerin? Last I checked, we really weren’t anything.”

                “What are you talking about?” Michael asked, unable to hide how much the words had hurt him. “I thought we were…we slept together.”

                “Yeah, we did,” Alex began and shrugged, “and we both know how that ended.”

                They both glanced down at Michael’s wrapped hand.

                “Besides, you asked for space and I understood why you wanted it,” Alex added before he moved towards his dresser, pulling out a pair of pajamas for the night.

                “Look, I know I said some stuff that day at school and I’m sorry,” Michael began, staring at Alex’s back. “Some things happened with Max and Isobel but that’s over now.”

                “Okay,” Alex managed to say.

                “I didn’t mean to push you away, I promise.”

                When Alex kept his back to him, Michael closed the distance and wrapped him up in a strong embrace, pressing his lips to the other boy’s neck.

                “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Don’t be mad at me.”

                Alex quickly untangled himself and put a foot of space between them.

                “What’s going on?” Michael asked, his unease rising. “You keep pulling away from me.”

                “Why are you here, Guerin?”

                “Why do you keep asking me that? I’m here to see _you_!”

                “Well, you saw me so could you please leave?” Alex asked, trying his hardest to keep himself from breaking.

                Michael reached out to take his hand but Alex reflexively pulled away.

                “Why won’t you let me touch you?” Michael asked after a moment.

                “It doesn’t matter,” Alex said, shaking his head.

                Before he could turn away again, Michael reached for his arm to pull him in. Alex cried out when Michael’s good hand pressed against his ribs, making the other boy step back in shock.

                “Alex, you’re freaking me out. What’s wrong?”

                When Alex simply stared at him with wide eyes filled with fear, Michael took a cautious step forward, realization hitting him.

                “Can I see?”

                Alex broke the gaze and exhaled. “What difference would that make?”

                “Please?” Michael whispered. “If you’re uncomfortable, I won’t force you but I’d like to see, if you’ll let me.”

                He hesitated a final time before slowly lifting his shirt from his sore body. Michael gasped as he took in the dark bruises that were scattered across the beautiful skin.

                “Did he hurt you that night?” Michael asked, his voice cracking. “After I left?”

                “That night and every night since,” Alex whispered, unable to stop a tear from falling.

                Michael fisted his good hand and released a shaky breath. “I’m so sorry.”

                “Why?” Alex asked, smiling sadly. “Believe it or not, it’s actually not even the worst beating I’ve had from him. When I was fifteen, when he realized I liked boys, that first time he hit me…”

                “Alex,” Michael tried but the other boy talked over him.

                “He told the hospital we had been in a car accident. Even smashed the front bumper to sell it,” Alex said before shaking his head. “I was still a kid back then. I couldn’t really understand why the one person in this world who was supposed to love me unconditionally hated me so much that he hurt me in the worst possible ways. I guess I’m more resigned to it nowadays.”

                “Alex, stop,” Michael pleaded. “I’m sorry.”

                “Why are you apologizing?”

                “Because I wasn’t there!” he shouted, breathing hard. “I shouldn’t have left.”

                “My father crushed your hand because you liked me. In what world would I blame you for leaving?” Alex asked, the sadness in his voice overwhelming. “So please stop apologizing because it doesn’t matter anymore anyways. He wins.”

                “What does that mean?”

                Michael followed Alex’s gaze and he finally noticed the packed bags gathered by the closet.

                “I enlisted, Guerin,” Alex said with an exhausted sigh.

                Michael laughed in disbelief. “No, you didn’t.”

                “I leave tomorrow morning.”

                Michael took a slow step back, staring at the other boy in shock.

                “Why would you do that?” he whispered.

                “I’m tired of fighting this war with him. Figured I’d trade it in for another one,” Alex replied.

                “Just like that? After everything?” Michael snapped.

                “I’m choosing my battles, Guerin, and this is a losing one.”

                “So that’s it, then? You’re just going to leave?” Michael scoffed. “Were you even planning on telling me or was I just supposed to figure it out when you disappeared?”

                “I didn’t think you’d care!”

                “Why, because I asked for some space? I wasn’t breaking up with you, Alex!” Michael snapped.

                “That’s exactly what it felt like!” Alex spat back, running the back of his hand across his wet eyes. “Don’t you get it, Guerin? I’m not angry at you for ending things. You had every right to do it! Look at what being with me did to you! Look at what my father did!”

                “I don’t blame you for any of it,” Michael’s anger deflated as he reached out towards him but Alex took another step back.

                “Why don’t you hate me?”

                Michael tilted his head, tears welling in his own eyes. “You can’t hate the person you’re in love with.”

                Alex gasped at the quiet confession. They stared at each other for a moment before they reached for one another at the same time, crashing their lips together in a fiery kiss. When Alex groaned at the pain from his ribs, Michael pressed a kiss of apology to his throat and gently held him.

                “I don’t want you to go,” he whispered.

                “I don't have much fight left in me. He’ll kill me if I stay.”  _And he'll hurt you again -- Alex kept the last thought silent._

                Michael shut his eyes at the words. “Then run away with me.”

                Alex leaned back, stunned.

                “Run away with me,” Michael repeated.

                “Guerin,” Alex started.

                “We’ll leave Roswell and go to California or Alaska or somewhere far enough he can’t find us.”

                “We can’t,” Alex said, shaking his head. “You’re going to UNM, remember? Full scholarship? Plus, you have Max and Isobel. You can’t just leave them.”

                “Alex, none of that matters.”

                “ _All_ of that matters. Your life, everything you worked hard for, everything you want for yourself, those dreams all matter.”

                “You’re the only thing I want,” Michael whispered.

                Feeling his heart break, Alex cradled the sides of Michael's face, tenderly caressing him.

                “In a perfect world, I would have stayed,” he said, the sadness in his eyes almost too much for Michael to bare. “But I have to go.”

                Alex gave him a small smile, one that would haunt Michael as long as he lived.

                “Thank you for showing me what true happiness is, Michael.”

                The other boy shut his eyes, feeling a devastating ache shoot through him at the sound of his name before he pressed their foreheads together.

                “Spend the night with me?” he asked after a beat of silence. “We’ll drive out to the desert in my truck, just the two of us under the stars.”

                “If I do, I won’t be able to say goodbye in the morning,” Alex argued weakly.

                “I just want to hold you for a while before you go.”

                Alex released a shaky breath and finally nodded. He grabbed a thick jacket from his closet before they made their way to his truck down the street. The drive to the desert was made in silence, neither able to break the grief that had engulfed them. When they were far enough from town that no one could follow, Michael veered off the main road and pulled onto a stretch of vast, empty land. Switching the engine off, they climbed into the back and laid down with a blanket covering them, staring up at the stars above.

                “Promise me something?” Alex asked after several minutes had passed.

                Michael slowly faced him but Alex kept his gaze to the sky.

                “Promise me that you’ll have a good life. No matter what you do, you’ll make it count.”

                “I can’t promise that.”

                Alex turned in protest but Michael reached out and touched his face, awed by the beauty before him.

                “I can’t promise that because you won’t be here. None of it will matter without you.”

                Alex felt his eyes start to fill again but Michael ran a hand across his cheek, wiping a stray tear away.

                “We’ll cry in the morning.”

                They stared at one another for several seconds until Alex finally smiled, the sweetness in the gesture making Michael reach out and pull him in.

                “I don’t want to hurt you,” Michael began, ghosting a hand over his ribs.

                Alex leaned in and kissed him, soft and tender, before straddling his legs and guiding Michael’s hands to his hips.

                “Like this?” Michael gasped as they slowly moved together. “It doesn’t hurt?”

                “Just like this,” Alex repeated, biting his lower lip.

                “You’re beautiful,” Michael whispered. “Please don’t leave tomorrow. Please stay with me.”

                “We’ll cry in the morning, remember?” Alex reminded.

                The sad smile that Alex gave him was proof that Michael had already lost him. Blinking his own tears away, he dragged Alex down by the back of his neck and kissed him.

 

                When the warm sunshine woke Michael from his sleep, he reached across the blanket to find the space empty beside him. Slowly sitting up, his lip began to quiver as a feeling of dread washed over him. The touch of parchment against his hand made him look down to the letter Alex had left him.

 

                _Please don’t hate me for leaving this way. I called Maria and had her pick me up. Don’t worry, I walked far enough that your truck remained hidden. Truth is, I couldn’t say goodbye if you were awake. I knew I would do something crazy like say yes to running away and I refuse to ruin your life any more than I already have. Our brief time together make up the best moments of my whole existence. What I feel for you and how deeply I feel it will always be with me wherever I am. I know you couldn’t promise me last night but I wish you nothing but happiness and a good life. You have such beauty inside you, Michael, and I only hope that it never fades away despite all the pain and misery I brought into your life._

_I left you a ring I’ve worn since my mother died. I had it made from melted silver of a necklace she wore every day, one that had been passed down to her from her own parents. I don’t expect you to wear it, or to even keep it, but if you do, please know that it was the last memory I had of my mother and I left it for you because you mean more to me than anything. I’ll miss you always._

_Alex_

                Lifting the simple silver band, Michael slipped it onto the middle finger of his right hand, a perfect fit. He stared at it for several seconds before his tears finally overwhelmed him. 

   



	2. TWO

 

                As Alex climbed out of his truck, the sound of music and laughter from inside the Wild Pony gave him a sense of familiarity that he hadn’t felt in so long. Four years had passed, one he had spent in basic training and three he had lived through war in the Middle East. Dressed in jeans and a casual flannel, he ran a hand through his short, tousled hair. Gone was the eyeliner, nose ring and every rebellious part of who he used to be.

                Forcing himself forward, he crossed the lot and entered the bar, taking in the familiar surroundings with a smile. He remembered when he, Liz and Maria would visit on “All Ages” nights, singing karaoke and tossing back virgin daiquiris, daydreaming of life outside of Roswell. None of their lives were perfect, but for Alex, those nights were an escape from his harsh reality. He had always covered his bruises and kept a smile on his face, never wanting his friends to see the tragedy inside. Those nights had lasted most of senior year until Spring when Michael walked into his life.

                _Michael_ , Alex sighed heavily.

                He hadn’t seen or heard from him in four years, nor had he ever expected to. Leaving a letter had seemed a better alternative at the time than saying goodbye in person. The way he had loved Michael back then had been intense and all-consuming. Walking away had been the hardest thing he had ever done but his father had left him no choice. Even though four years had passed, for Alex, it still felt like yesterday. His feelings had never changed but had rather grown stronger with distance and time.

                Although his leave had been for ten days, he had spent the better part at Eglin Air Force Base in Florida, volunteering for a project in an effort to avoid going home. He was back in town for the last two days of his leave before his next deployment would begin. At first, he had been unsure of coming back home at all. He had no family in Roswell and the happy memories from his childhood were few and far between. Liz was already gone, conquering the world, which left him Maria. No matter how nervous he was on the possibility of running into Michael, wanting to see and reconnect with Maria had been enough to make him come home.

                Lifting his gaze, he saw her tending the bar, laughing as she poured a set of drinks for her regulars. He watched her with a growing smile until her eyes finally met his. Squealing excitedly, she rushed around the counter and met him halfway, leaping into his arms as he laughed and twirled her in the air.

                “When did you get in?” she asked when he placed her back down.

                “Just a while ago. You’re my one and only stop.”

                She tilted her head, smiling sadly, before looping her arm through his and leading him to the counter.

                “So, what’s your poison?” she asked, rounding the bar to face him. “Virgin daiquiri? Beer on tap?”

                “Whisky will do,” he chuckled.

                “Hard liquor, no guyliner. Who are you and what have you done with Alex Manes?”

                “War tends to have that effect,” he replied with a shrug.

                “Alex…,” she started but he shook his head and smiled.

                “I didn’t come all this way to talk about the war I left behind. I’m fine, really.”

                When Maria hesitated, Alex reached out and squeezed her hand.

                “Please, let’s talk about anything and everything else.”

                Sighing reluctantly, she grabbed the liquor and poured them both a drink.

                “Welcome home, sweetie.”

                They smiled and took their shots, both laughing at the bitter aftertaste.

                “What have you heard from Liz?” he asked, taking the bottle and pouring himself a second.

                Maria watched him for a moment before leaning forward on her elbows.

                “She’s just out there being the badass we both know and love,” she replied, her words making him smile again.

                “Is she thinking of coming back home now that she’s graduated?”

                “Too many sad memories, I think.”

                “Yeah,” Alex agreed, taking his shot and staring down into the empty glass. “I know the feeling.”

                He looked up when he felt Maria touch his hand.

                “How are you, _really_?”

                He glanced to the side for a few beats, watching the other patrons singing to the music, unaware of the world around them.

                “It isn’t easy,” he finally said, meeting her gaze again. “But misery is basically my middle name. I survived my childhood. I’ll survive this too.”

                “Your dad?” she asked quietly and Alex sighed, knowing Maria had always been too sharp not to notice the signs that were there.

                “At least I don’t have to see him every day.”

                She nodded and squeezed his hand. “What is it you do at the Air Force anyway? You were always so secretive in Skype and email.”

                “I’m a codebreaker, actually,” he said with a laugh.

                “Putting that intelligent brain of yours to good use?” she chuckled.

                “Something like that,” he said and grabbed the bottle again without even realizing. “But the army’s spread pretty thin all over the region so we spend a lot of time helping the patrol units. Some days are good, others not so much.”

                Drinking his third shot, he slowly lowered the glass.

                “What you see on the news versus living through it first hand…,” he began and exhaled. “Makes it harder when you come home and people are so oblivious to everything. But I shouldn’t judge. It’s what it is.”

                When he reached for the bottle a fourth time, Maria put her hand out to stop him.

                “How about you slow down a bit?” she asked cautiously.

                He looked between her and the glass before smiling. “You’re the boss around here.”

                “Damn straight,” she replied with a smirk. “Although, I am still just the Manager but one day, I’ll put my mark on this place.”

                “I don’t doubt that for a second.”

                Maria smiled before she leaned in to kiss his cheek.

                “So, Alex, now that I have you here, I got to ask,” she began, removing the bottle from his reach. “Any potential romance in the barracks overseas?”

                Alex let out a sudden laugh. “Not exactly, Maria.”

                “Oh, come on! You’re telling me there hasn’t even been one guy in four years?” she asked incredulously. “I never took you for a monk, Manes.”

                He shook his head as his laughter died down. “No one really advertises their preference. Being in such tight quarters with a bunch of other guys, it’s not the most ideal place to be out.”

                “But _you_ told them.”

                “Not by choice,” Alex said with a bitter laugh. “Would have been nice to do it on my own time, once I had gotten close enough to the other guys in my unit but as always, my father’s sole motivation was to make my life even harder than it was. After a year of training, on the first day I got to base, the son of a bitch walked out into the mess hall, introduced himself to a couple hundred soldiers, told them I was his son and announced that I was gay.”

                Maria leaned back in shock.

                “The fallout wasn’t so great,” Alex said, shaking his head. “Suddenly, all the guys thought I was secretly harboring crushes and I wanted to see them all naked.”

                “I am so sorry,” she said, squeezing his hand again.

                “It was hard for a long time because these were guys that I was supposed to trust would have my back out there and I didn’t trust them. But one day, we were out assisting patrol and got pinned down on a sweep. This one guy, Airman Billy Hunter, he was the worst from everyone there. He was pinned under heavy fire and the three closest guys in his unit couldn’t get to him.”

                “You saved his life, didn’t you?” she asked, smiling softly. “That’s why they gave you a medal?”

                He waved her praise away. “To me, it didn’t matter who he was or how much I hated him. He was a soldier like I was. After that, I made friends with a couple guys and eventually, it became more about saving one another than any labels I carried. The rest finally started coming around once I made Lieutenant.”

                “I’m really proud of you, Alex. For so much.”

                They shared a smile before he eyed the bottle behind her shoulder. “One more? Please?”

                “You are so not leaving here drunk,” she said, pressing her hands to her waist. “I’m a responsible bartender.”

                “Four drinks will not get me drunk, I promise,” he said, offering her his best pout.

                “Not sure I like the sound of that.”

                “Maria, I’m only here for a couple days. Let me drown my miseries before I have to go back for round three.”

                “Why don’t you leave the military?” she asked, already reaching for the bottle.

                “It doesn’t work like that. Need at least six years of active duty. I’ve had three which included two deployments. I can probably request for discharge after two more tours outside of any injury.”

                Maria looked away at his words. “Once your six years are done, will you sign up again?”

                “I don’t know,” he said as she met his eyes. “I’ve thought about that a lot. I mean, I never wanted to join the Air Force in the first place. My father forced me but I don’t have any life outside it. I have nothing waiting for me to come home to. _No one_.”

                “What about Museum Guy?” she asked, smiling softly. “You never did tell me his name.”

                “That ended the moment I left town. I haven’t heard anything from him or about him in four years. For all I know, he doesn’t even live here anymore.”

                “Well, if you told me who he was, I could easily give you some scoop.”

                Grabbing the bottle, he poured himself another glass, downing it quickly. “Good try but no.”

                “Hmm, I’ll get it out of you one day,” she winked. “I have to do a quick check on the inventory. Be back in a bit.”

                He pointed at the bottle and waved her off. As he poured his fifth shot of whisky, he heard the front doors to the bar open behind him and casually tilted his head. The moment Alex’s eyes landed on Michael, he slowly sat up on his stool, stunned silent. Walking in with a confident cowboy swagger and a few days worth of scruff on his face, Michael had his arm draped around a giggling red-haired girl who was hanging onto him. Alex watched broken-hearted as the boy he loved with every fiber of his being, the _man_ he still desperately craved, leaned down to whisper sweet nothings to his date.

                A sudden wave of nausea overtook him as he watched an oblivious Michael lead his date towards the pool tables, grinning the whole way. _His girlfriend, his fiancée, his wife,_ his mind helplessly offered him. Spinning in his seat, he stared down at his fifth glass of whisky, devastated.

                “Hey, if you stick around for a couple hours, I should be able to get out of here early,” Maria’s voice interrupted as she stopped in front of him.

                Noticing his pale face, she reached out to grab his hand.

                “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

                He looked up at her and blinked his tears away.

                “It’s crazy for me to feel like this,” he spoke aloud. “I’m the one who left.”

                “Alex, you’re not making sense.”

                He quickly shook his head and rose to his feet. “Sorry, I’m okay. I’m just tired.”

                “Are you still coming to my place to sleep over?”

                “You know, I think I want to drive for a little bit and clear my head. I’ll just stay at the motel on Eighth or sleep in my truck.”

                “Alex, I don’t want you sleeping in your truck. You’re worrying me.”

                He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile before taking a step back.

                “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

                Without waiting for a response, he ducked his head and made his way towards the exit.

                “Alex!” she called after him.

                Across the bar, Michael’s head snapped up at the name. He followed Maria’s gaze only to see the door slamming shut.

                “Hey baby, it’s your turn,” his date said with a laugh, trying to get his attention.

                All thoughts of hooking up with someone he’d just met instantly disappeared. Tossing an apology over his shoulder, he made his way towards the door, ignoring her angry calls. Frantically searching the lot, Michael’s heart suddenly stopped when his eyes caught a figure walking away.

                “Alex!” he shouted once he’d found his voice again.

                When the other man froze near his truck, Michael used the hesitation to run towards him. Grabbing Alex’s arm, Michael spun him around and gasped. The face that had haunted his dreams every night for four years was staring back at him, even more striking than before. They stared at one another in silence, both unsure how to bridge the gap between them. Michael let his gaze wander over Alex’s body, searching for signs of injury or damage from his years overseas. Only when their eyes met again did Michael release the breath he had been holding. Taking a step forward, he pulled Alex into his arms without care, burying his face against the warm neck and breathing in his familiar scent.

                “I can’t believe you’re here.”

                Unable to hide his own emotions any longer, Alex slowly wrapped his arms around Michael’s waist, never wanting to let go again. They stayed that way for several long minutes, holding each other in the darkness. Needing to see his eyes, Michael eventually leaned back to cradle Alex’s face in his hands.

                “You’re really here,” he repeated.

                When Alex felt the scars on Michael’s hand brush against his cheek, reality crashed back down on him. Untangling himself, he put a foot of space between them and rubbed his tired face.

                “I have to go.”

                “What? Why!” Michael cried, reaching out to grab Alex’s hand.

                “Guerin,” he started, swallowing the lump in his throat.

                “I just got you back. You think I’m letting you go again?” Michael exclaimed.

                Alex felt his heart soar at the longing he heard in Michael’s voice but quickly cleared his throat instead.

                “I’m only here on leave for two days. I go back on Friday.”

                He watched as a flurry of emotions played on Michael’s face, ending in bitterness as he scoffed and released his hand.

                “Before you run back to daddy, back to being a real Manes man.”

                The words pierced Alex to his core but he quickly steeled himself, standing straight.

                “You should go back in there. Your date’s probably wondering where you went.”

                Michael deflated at the words, his resentment fading away. “She’s nobody.”

                “Really? The way she was hanging off you in there proves different.”

                Michael bit his lower lip, unable to hide his smile. “You jealous?”

                “Yes,” Alex replied harshly and quickly diverted his gaze when he realized what he’d said.

                Smiling more surely, Michael took a step forward and tangled their fingers together.

                “As much as I love seeing that side of you, there’s no need,” he began, tugging at his hand so Alex would meet his gaze. “No one else matters, not when you’re here.”

                Alex felt his resolve start to crumble and within seconds, Michael was pulling him back into his arms, holding him in a strong embrace.

                “We can’t,” Alex protested before tightening his own grip. “I leave day after tomorrow.”

                “Then let’s make the most of it,” Michael replied, running his hands over Alex’s back and under his shirt, pressing against his skin. “Come home with me.”

                He had expected him to argue but all the other man did was nod his head. When they finally pulled away, Alex took a step back and opened his door.

                “I’ll follow you?”

                Michael watched him for another few seconds before nodding and climbing in his own truck. Once they were on the main road, he kept his eyes glued on the rear mirror, needing the assurance that Alex was following him. Driving past the sign of Foster’s Ranch, Michael parked beside his trailer at the edge of the land, secluded from the other people who lived there. He climbed out and waited nervously for Alex to join him. The soldier took a moment to glance around the area before his eyes found him, an unreadable expression on his face.

                “I know it’s not much,” Michael began with a shrug.

                “It’s perfect. Very you,” Alex replied and Michael felt the tension leave his body. “How long have you been here?”

                “Maybe three years,” he replied, glancing at the surroundings. “Bought the Airstream second-hand from the guy who owns the ranch. Started working here to pay it off and ended up staying.”

                Alex frowned. “What about UNM? Did you take time off?”

                Michael sighed, hating the conversation before it began.

                “I never went.”

                “What?” Alex asked after a beat of silence. “I don’t understand. You had a full scholarship.”

                “Priorities changed,” Michael shrugged.

                “Priorities changed?” Alex said in disbelief. “You were always a genius. Your dream was to go to college.”

                “My dream was to be with you,” Michael spat out, unable to mask the hurt in his voice. “When you left, like I said, priorities changed.”

                Alex stared at him, stunned, before running a hand through his hair. “That’s not what I wanted for you.”

                “I told you that night I wouldn’t promise anything,” Michael reminded. “Besides, Isobel was going through some stuff and she needed me to be close.”

                Alex stared at the mechanical equipment and vacant cars scattered around the trailer. “You’re a mechanic?”

                “Yeah, I am,” Michael grew defensive.

                “I didn’t mean it like that,” Alex sighed. “If you’re happy then I’m happy for you. I just hate myself for being a reason you gave everything up.”

                “That wasn’t everything,” Michael said, lowering his voice. “Everything I wanted left me four years ago.”

                Alex closed his eyes, the words making his heart ache.

                “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

                Michael watched him for another few seconds before he closed the distance between them. He was never any good at watching Alex in pain.

                “My life isn’t a bad one,” he said, tugging at Alex until he looked at him. “I promise, sweetheart.”

                The endearment made Alex reach out and pull Michael to him, melting in the strong embrace.

                “Can I kiss you now?” Michael asked after a few beats of silence.

                Alex chuckled as he moved back and nodded. With a widened smile, Michael leaned in and crashed their lips together, pouring all of his love and devotion into the kiss. His tongue begged for entrance and when Alex opened his mouth, he pushed him back against the trailer wall, devouring him.

                “I missed you so much,” Michael whispered, his hot mouth leaving a trail of kisses down Alex’s neck.

                Biting his swollen lip, Alex ran his hands past Michael’s jacket and under his shirt, smiling when he felt the warm skin vibrate under his touch.

                “I missed you too,” he replied, moaning when Michael bit his collarbone.

                “You taste even better than I remember,” Michael sighed, lowering his hands to Alex’s upper thighs and quickly lifting him.

                Alex squealed as he wrapped his legs around Michael’s waist, staring down at him with wild eyes.

                “Even more beautiful too,” Michael added.

                They leaned in close, pressing their foreheads together and breathing the same air.

                “How are you so strong?” Alex asked, his words making both laugh as they leaned back. “I thought I was the soldier.”

                “Had a lot of anger and frustration these past four years. Took it all out in the gym.”

                Alex softened at the words, reaching out to touch Michael’s cheek.

                “I’m sorry for leaving the way I did. I know it was cowardly.”

                “You’re here, right now, with me. That’s all that matters,” Michael replied. “But this time, we’re staying in touch when you go. Calls, Skype, email, all of it.”

                “You’d want that?” Alex asked, biting his lower lip.

                “I just want you.”

                Alex hesitated as his mind rushed to the thought of his father. That constant fear had never gone away. Most nights when he’d close his eyes, he’d go back to that day in the shed. The sound of bones breaking as his father crushed Michael’s hand was one he’d never forget. As his father spent the next several days destroying Alex’s spirit while he beat him, the threats he had made against Michael were ones Alex believed would happen. The idea of being together now despite his father’s warnings scared Alex like it had that day in the shed but the ache he felt at not having Michael was more intense.

                “All I want is you too,” he finally admitted.

                Their whispered confessions brought them closer until their lips touched in a gentle kiss. Tightening his hold on Alex’s body, Michael opened his trailer door and carried him inside, lowering him down onto his small bed. Alex stared up with heated eyes as Michael released a shaky breath, savoring the moment before he lowered himself down. They slowly removed their clothes as their hands began to explore, tenderly learning each other’s bodies again. When the last barrier of clothing had been removed, Michael pressed his body between Alex’s legs, both gasping when they touched for the first time in years.

                “You feel…,” Alex panted as he ran his hands through Michael’s curls, pulling him in. “You feel amazing.”

                “So do you, sweetheart,” Michael whispered, massaging his fingers with a bottle of lube before running his hand down Alex’s body.

                At the first breach, Alex lifted his back and moaned, digging his fingers into Michael’s shoulders.

                “The sounds you make…,” Michael whispered, pressing one kiss after another down Alex’s chest.

                As much as he wanted to spend his time taking Alex apart, he was too desperate to be inside him. Quickly working another finger in, he waited until Alex was ready before slipping a third.

                “Do you think you’re ready?” he panted, lifting up on his elbow to gaze down at him.

                “I’ve missed you so much,” was all Alex could manage.

                Swallowing hard, Michael reached for a condom but Alex grabbed his hand.

                “Are you clean?” he asked, swallowing the lump in his throat.

                “I am,” Michael promised. “Haven’t been with anyone in weeks. Got myself checked a while back.”

                Alex bit his lip again and nodded. “I’m clean too.”

                Michael released a heavy breath and tossed the condom away. They smiled at one another for a few seconds before he lowered his body back down and pressed inside him. Alex let out a groan from the sudden breach and squeezed his eyes shut as Michael gently pushed himself all the way in. They held onto one another for several seconds, the weight of the moment rendering them speechless.

                “Move,” Alex finally whispered.

                Needing no further encouragement, Michael pulled out before slamming back in, crashing their lips together to swallow Alex’s shuddering moan. Alex wrapped one arm around Michael’s shoulders while his other hand laid buried in his curls, scratching his scalp in a pleasantly painful way. Tilting his head back, Michael gazed down in awe as Alex squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lower lip.  

                Swallowing all the words he wanted to say, Michael pressed his mouth against Alex’s throat, biting hard. Alex cried out at the feel of teeth breaking skin and wrapped his legs around Michael’s waist, erasing the last bit of space between them. They lasted for another minute before Alex felt Michael press a gentle kiss over his heart. The tenderness of the moment pushed Alex over the edge and he came with a painful cry, overwhelmed by the emotions thundering beneath his ribs. Pressing his own kiss to Michael’s throat, Alex cradled him against his chest as Michael came with a shudder.   

                Once their breathing started to calm, Michael gently pulled out and collapsed on top of Alex. When he finally came to move, Alex tightened his arms in protest, caressing a hand down Michael’s glistening back.

                “I plan on pulling at least five more orgasms out of you before Friday,” he remarked, his words making Alex laugh.

                Michael smiled at the beautiful sound before tilting his head back to catch his eyes.

                “I didn’t think I’d hear that laugh again.”

                Alex slowly sobered as he touched Michael’s cheek, brushing the curls out of his face. He reached for Michael’s hands, tangling them together when a feel of metal caught his attention. Lifting Michael’s good hand, Alex gasped when he recognized the ring on his finger.

                “I’ve worn it since that day,” Michael said, looking away.

                Alex exhaled shakily. “Why?”

                “You still need to ask me that?” Michael said with a sad laugh.

                Alex screwed his eyes shut, unable to hold his tears in.

                “Baby, come here,” Michael whispered, moving to sit and pulling Alex with him.

                “You’re the only one I can be weak with,” Alex confessed after a few beats of silence.

                Michael understood the significance behind his words and pressed a gentle kiss to Alex’s forehead.

                “Then don’t leave like you did last time, okay?” he asked, his own voice starting to break. “It killed me, Alex. Not knowing where you were, if you were even alive overseas, it wrecked me.”

                “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Alex whispered as they embraced again.

                Michael sighed heavily, wiping at his own eyes before he lowered them both back down on the bed. They stayed wrapped in each other’s arms, a thin blanket covering their bodies. Michael stayed awake as long as he could, long after Alex had succumbed to his emotional exhaustion and had fallen asleep against Michael’s chest. Pressing a soft kiss to his lips, Michael tightened his hold and closed his eyes.

                “I love you.”  
 

                *****

                Waking up alone had always been the least favorite part of Michael’s day. He’d had his fair share of hookups over the past four years but would never spend the night with someone or let them stay. His heart was too tangled with the boy he had fallen in love with at seventeen, the one who could love and crush him with a single gaze.

                Feeling the strong embrace holding him from behind, Michael smiled. They had fallen asleep with Michael embracing Alex in his arms but had somehow spun in the night for Alex to hold him instead. Slowly turning so he wouldn’t wake him, Michael leaned up on his elbow and used the few quiet moments to rake his eyes over Alex’s body. The blanket was drawn just below their shoulders, leaving Alex’s neck and arms on display. Where Alex used to be soft and slender, his arms were more toned and his chest had grown defined.

                Unable to help himself, Michael ran his hand down Alex’s arm, slipping his fingers under the blanket to rub small circles on his lower back. Groaning softly, Alex blinked the sleep from his eyes and looked up for a brief moment before a slow smile spread over his face.

                “Morning,” he whispered, finding his voice again.

                “You look good enough to eat,” Michael smiled, biting his lower lip seductively.

                Alex pulled him until Michael was covering his whole body. Spreading Alex’s thighs apart, he pressed in close and rolled his hips, pulling a moan from the other man. The sudden sound of Bohemian Rhapsody broke through their fog and Alex groaned, reaching for his phone on the ground.

                “Hey Maria,” he greeted. “Sorry again about last night. I’m all better now.”

                “Yeah, you are,” Michael smirked, ducking his head beneath the blanket.

                Alex tried to bat him away before swallowing his moan when Michael took him into his mouth.

                “Yeah, yeah, I’ll see you in a little bit. Okay, bye!” he quickly hung up, tossing the phone away.

                He could feel Michael chuckle around him and pulled the blanket away, the image between his thighs making his breath catch. Michael bobbed his head up and down a few more times before Alex yanked him back up, kissing him hard.

                “That was not cool,” he breathed as Michael took them both in his hand.

                “That’s what you get for answering the phone,” Michael replied, twisting his wrist in a way that made them both groan.

                Panting in one another’s mouths, Alex ran his hands affectionately across Michael’s heated skin. Within seconds, their pleasure mixed between them. Pressing their foreheads together, they allowed their breathing to calm before Alex tilted his head back.

                “I promised Maria I’d spend some time with her today,” he began. “Her mom hasn’t been doing too well and I said I’d go with her to visit.”

                “You’re a good friend,” Michael said, sitting up and running a hand through his hair.

                Alex sat up beside him, brushing the curls out of Michael’s face. The softness of his touch made Michael sigh and lean his head against Alex’s shoulder, using the blanket to gently wipe evidence of their pleasure away.

                “I’ll be back in a few hours. I promise.”

                Taking a deep breath, Michael forced a smile and pulled away.

                “I’ll head into town and grab some food. Not much to eat in here.”

                “Can I use your shower?” Alex asked, rising to his feet and letting the blanket fall from his body.

                Michael allowed his gaze to rove over his body before his eyes caught on two deep scars, one over his left ribs and the other near his belly. Reaching out, he pressed his hands on either scar, making Alex gaze down at him. Smiling sadly, Alex covered Michael’s hand over his belly with his own.

                “My second tour, it was an abandoned town in the north. We were given bad intel and were ambushed before we even got out of the Humvees,” he explained quietly. “A kid, maybe eighteen years old, came at us from behind a cluster of cars. We should have seen it but we were pinned down by gunfire in front of us. He had a six inch blade, cut straight through the Kevlar. It was a bullet proof vest, didn’t really give you much of a chance against a blade like that. I saw him at the last second and twisted my body enough that the knife didn’t cut straight through. Left a nasty scar though.”

                Breathing hard, Michael turned his tearful gaze towards the scar on Alex’s ribs.

                “That’s from my dad, that night in the shed.”

                Closing his eyes, Michael couldn’t stop the tears that fell.

                “Michael, it’s okay,” Alex whispered, cradling the other man against his chest. “I’m a survivor, Michael. We both are.”

                Pressing a kiss to Michael’s head, he pulled at his curls until their eyes met. They stared at one another for a minute until Michael nodded and rose to his feet. Wiping at his tears, he took Alex’s hand and led him to the small shower past the bed. Alex gave him a small smile before he slipped inside, closing the door behind him.

                Once both had been showered and dressed, Alex left to see his best friend while Michael busied himself with groceries and food. By late afternoon, he’d made a simple pasta plate on the burner inside, keeping it on low before sitting on a patio chair, staring at his phone as the minutes ticked by. When he heard the sound of tires screeching to a stop, he let out a relieved breath and watched as Alex slowly approached him.

                “I’m sorry I’m late. Maria was upset and I didn’t want to leave her like that.”

                “A part of me thought you weren’t coming back,” Michael commented.

                Alex looked down at his feet, ashamed. “I’m sorry.”

                Hating the sorrowful look on the other man, Michael swallowed and rose to his feet, pulling him into his arms.

                “I didn’t mean to upset you,” he apologized, leaning down to kiss him.

                “I _am_ sorry though, Michael. Sorry for everything that happened back then. Sorry that being with me is so difficult.”

                “You’re worth it,” Michael said with a smile.

                When Alex finally smiled back, Michael took his hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles.

                “You hungry? I got some pasta cooking inside.”

                “Michael Guerin can cook? Be still my heart,” Alex laughed.

                “It’s just pasta,” Michael looked away as a slight flush covered his cheeks.

                “Well, I can’t even boil water to save my life so it’s a good thing one of us can do the providing. Looking forward to many more pasta dishes.”

                “I’ll hold you to that,” Michael smiled before leading him inside.

                They spent the next hour laughing over food and trading stories of their time apart. Once the sun had set and the dishes were put away, they fell back onto the bed and made love twice before falling asleep.

                Waking up the next morning, Michael had a sudden feeling of dread when he felt the space beside him was empty. Rising in bed, he sighed when he noticed Alex was sitting beside him, dressed in his uniform with his duffel at his feet.

                “You really have to go?”

                “Mandatory,” Alex replied, smiling sadly. “We’ll stay in touch though, remember?”

                “Yeah,” Michael nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Let me get dressed. I’ll give you a ride to base.”

                “No, it’s still early, Go back to sleep.”

                “You think I’ll be able to sleep again once your gone?” Michael scoffed, looking away.

                “Don’t do that,” Alex pleaded, pulling his face back to him. “I don’t want to leave with either of us angry.”

                “Then _don’t_ go at all,” Michael exclaimed.

                “I can’t exactly go AWOL.”

                “I know,” he replied, sighing in defeat. “I just wish you didn’t have to go.”

                Leaning in, Alex pressed their lips together and smiled when he felt arms wrap around him.

                “I’ll come back, I promise.”

                They leaned away, both desperate to utter the three important words but neither strong enough to voice them.

                “I’ll wait,” Michael said instead.

                They kissed once more before Alex rose to his feet. Grabbing his duffel, he made his way towards the door and turned back a final time.

                “Goodbye, Michael.”

                Lowering his gaze, he stepped outside, closing the door behind him. Michael sat frozen for a moment before jumping to his feet, grabbing his jeans and slipping them on. Running outside, he rushed towards Alex and pulled him back before he could swing his door open. Crashing their lips together, Michael squeezed him almost too tight but all Alex could do was feel the love between them.

                “I’ll wait,” Michael repeated, this time with more conviction.

                Alex nodded and they kissed a final time before he climbed into his truck. Driving away from the Airstream, Alex finally allowed his tears to fall as he watched the image of Michael getting smaller and smaller in the distance.

 

 


	3. THREE

 

                Michael sat on his bed in the Airstream, his laptop balanced on his thighs as he nervously rapped his fingers on the blanket under him. He and Alex had been making things work long distance for nine months, Skyping once a week if Alex was able and emailing in between. He would normally go to Isobel and Noah’s for their sessions, locking himself in the guest bedroom and talking low enough so neither could hear from outside. When their schedules were too packed, he’d go to the café on Main Street, choosing a computer in the corner to give them a semblance of privacy. On their second Skype session, Alex had nervously asked if Michael wanted to be exclusive or keep things casual because they were so far apart. The thought of being with anyone else had never even crossed Michael’s mind. The wide smile of relief on Alex’s face when he confirmed their status had warmed Michael’s heart.

                As the months slowly passed, his worries gradually began to grow. When Alex would be late for Skype or email later than expected, Michael would go out of his mind. The first time Alex had been late by an hour to come online, Michael had been pacing back and forth across the carpet of Isobel’s guest bedroom. When he finally did emerge, an Air Force buddy was draped all over him, laughing at an inside joke that Michael was not a part of. His vulnerability and fear had switched to anger and jealousy and they’d had their first massive fight. They’d both signed out in anger, only for Michael to immediately regret his words and desperately try to reconnect. Before his panic could fully set in, an email from Alex had come through.

_This is harder than we thought it would be. I’m sorry I was late and for worrying you._

               Quickly sending his own apology, Michael released his nervous breath when he read the response.

_I miss you too._

               Although the four words from Alex had been enough to ease him, the fears and doubts had become rooted in the back of his mind. Once he’d left the bedroom, he’d seen the worried look on Isobel’s face but had ducked out before she could talk.

               Shaking his head to rid the negative thoughts, Michael came back to the present just as his computer made a sound and finally, there Alex was. Smiling broadly, he took a moment to stare at the beautiful face he constantly dreamt of before Alex leaned closer to the screen.

                “Hi,” he greeted, his smile softening. “I’m sorry I’m late. We just got in an hour ago and Matthews ran a bit over. It’s his son’s birthday.”

                “Just glad you’re here now. How was your week?”

                The picture disappeared for a moment before Alex’s face came back online.

                “It was okay. Spent most of it behind a desk. They have us working on a few different projects right now,” he replied, unable to give any more details. “What about you? Did you finish working on the Chevy?”

                “Yeah, I’m almost done. Thing’s a beauty. Foster’s willing to sell it to me for a good price,” Michael replied and leaned closer to the screen. “First thing I do when I get you back here is fuck you in the backseat.”

                “Michael!” Alex scolded, his cheeks growing red.

                “Sweetheart, you know I love making you blush.”

                “You’re going to be the death of me,” Alex said with a smile.

                “But what a way to go,” Michael added as both laughed.

                “Where are you right now? You’re talking too freely to be at the café. Are you at Isobel’s?”

                “I’m home.”

                “In the Airstream? How the hell did you rig internet out there in the middle of nowhere?” Alex chuckled.

                “I have my ways,” Michael replied with a wink. “Plus, now I have the freedom to say and do what I want with you.”

                “Do?” Alex asked curiously.

                “Are you alone right now?”

                Alex glanced around himself through the screen. “No, there’s a few other guys Skyping too.”

                “Is your back to the wall?”

                “Yeah,” Alex replied hesitantly.

                “Do you have headphones?” Michael asked with a smirk.

                “Yeah, I do but…,” Alex began before his eyes widened and he leaned in close. “Michael, we are not having Skype sex! Are you crazy?”

                “Who said anything about the both of us?” Michael replied, moving on the bed so he could stretch his legs in front of him.

                Placing the laptop between his ankles, he leaned back and grinned.

                “Michael,” Alex warned, his breathing growing heavy.

                “You may want to use those headphones now,” Michael reminded and laughed when he saw Alex scrambling to attach a set of earplugs to his computer. “Damn, I miss you.”

                Alex swallowed hard and quickly glanced around himself before huddling closer to the screen.

                “I hate you so much,” he whispered, biting his lip.

                Michael simply smiled as his hands traveled across his white tee, down his chest and stopping just below his belly. Unbuttoning his jeans, he used his good hand to slowly lower the zipper, loving the way Alex’s expression changed from nervous to aroused. Before he could do much else, a voice sounded over Alex’s shoulder.

                “Hey Manes, who are you talking to?”

                Alex scrambled to cover his screen, his rambling response making Michael cackle. Once they were alone again, Alex came back into view.

                “You’re going to get me kicked out of the military,” he said, a flush on his face.

                “Good. At least then I’ll have you home, back in my arms where you belong.”

                Alex’s face softened at his words. “I miss you too.”

                They smiled at one another before Alex glanced to his left.

                “They’re telling us to wrap up,” he said with a sigh, looking at Michael again. “I don’t want to go.”

                “I don’t want you to go either,” Michael replied quietly.

                “Three more months and I get leave again,” Alex reminded. “We’ll get ten days.”

                “I’m not letting you out of bed for anything, just so you know,” Michael threatened.

                “That’s a punishment I’m willing to accept,” he laughed and looked down. “I really do hate you though.”

                “Is little Alex awake?” Michael smirked, laughing at the other man’s glare. “One tiny zipper coming down does it for you?”

                “ _You_ do it for me, jackass,” Alex grumbled. “I swear, the amount of blue balls I’ve had over here because of you have got to be a record.”

                “You could always find a private place, Lieutenant,” Michael began in a low voice. “Think of all the things I want to do to you.”

                Alex groaned and shook his head. “You suck.”

                “If I were there right now, that’s exactly what I’d be doing,” Michael smirked.

                Alex groaned again. “Thank you for that visual. As if I can think about anything else now.”

                Before Michael could reply, an announcement came through behind Alex.

                “I really have to go. We’re heading out early in the morning. I won’t be able to get on Skype for a couple weeks.”

                Michael swallowed the sudden lump in his throat and nodded.

                “Promise me you’ll be safe?” he asked the same question he always did before they said goodbye.

                “I promise,” Alex replied, reaching out to touch the screen.

                Sighing, Michael did the same and their hands covered one another through the display.

                “I miss you,” Alex repeated before removing his hand. “Goodbye, Michael.”

                Before he could repeat the words, the screen had already gone black. Shutting his laptop, Michael rubbed the weariness off his face. They always finished their talks and emails with ‘I miss you’ when all Michael wanted to say was ‘I love you’. Staring down at the ring on his hand, he vowed to say the right words when Alex finally came home.  
  


                *****  
  


                Michael was usually able to busy himself enough that he wouldn’t worry about Alex every waking second. Spending time with Isobel and Noah helped take his mind off things every once in a while. On nights where his fear won out, he’d take his regular seat at the Wild Pony, throwing back one beer after another to numb the ache he felt inside. A week had passed since their goodbye with no new messages in his inbox. Although Alex had said he’d be unable to reach out, the time and distance left Michael on edge. Glancing down at the three empty bottles, he reached for his wallet when Isobel dropped in the stool beside him, grinning widely.

                “What now?” he grumbled. “Max get into another drunken spiel about how much he misses Liz Ortecho?”

                “No,” she said with a laugh before pointing over her shoulder.

                Michael followed her gaze to see a tall blond standing next to Noah.

                “What am I looking at?” he asked, confused.

                “Her name is Heather and she’s a friend of Noah’s colleague,” Isobel began. “We met over drinks the other night, I started talking about you, showed her your picture and she asked me to set you guys up.”

                “Isobel, what the hell? How many times do I have to tell you I don’t want to be set up?”

                “Why, because of your secret girlfriend?” Isobel replied, rolling her eyes.

                Michael bit his tongue to stop himself from correcting her on the wrong pronoun.

                “She’s hot, she has a thing for cowboys and she is totally into you.”

                “I’m taken, Iz. Do I need to spell it out in the sky for you?”

                “Look, the way I see it, if your secret girlfriend really cared about you, she wouldn’t make you hide your relationship.”

                “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he grumbled.

                “Yes, I do!” she insisted. “I’m worried about you, Michael. I want you to be happy.”

                “I _will_ be happy when…,” he started but stopped at the last second.

                Isobel sighed as she reached out to touch his hand.

                “Whoever she is, she doesn’t deserve you.”

                “You don’t know the first thing about it.”

                “I know how miserable you are at being apart all the time,” she said, her words making him look away. “Every time you come by to Skype with her, you have this excited look on your face and every time you walk out, you look completely torn.”

                “It’s because I hate saying goodbye.”

                “Exactly, Michael, you shouldn’t have to! Whoever she is, you deserve better than to be with someone who never visits you and when she does manage to show up, refuses to be seen with you in public.”

                Michael hated himself when her words settled in his heart.

                “Just come sit with us and talk to her.”

                He shook his head and rose to his feet. “You don’t get it. I don’t want anyone else.”

                Before Isobel could respond, Michael turned on his heels and stormed out of the bar. His anger stayed with him all through his drive until he barged into the Airstream, slamming his door shut. Reaching for his laptop, he opened his email to see his inbox still empty. Dropping the computer harshly on the bed, he stalked to the fridge and grabbed his fourth beer of the night.  
  


                *****  
  


                Another week passed before Michael sat in the same spot as before, waiting for Alex on Skype. His mind had been a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions all week, leaving him as raw as a live wire. When Alex finally came on screen, he felt a small part of his bitterness fade away at the wide smile that greeted him.

                “Hi,” Alex breathed out. “I missed you so much.”

                “Yeah, me too,” Michael replied, hating how vulnerable he sounded.

                “Is everything okay? Did something happen?” Alex asked, picking up on his tense expression.

                “Are we planning on staying secret forever?” he blurted out.

                Alex looked taken aback from the question and glanced around him before sitting closer to the screen.

                “Why are you asking me that?”

                “Just want some sort of timeline. You’re back home in a couple months on leave. Are we going to act like an actual couple or stay hidden the whole time?”

                “I thought you said you didn’t want me to leave your bed?”

                “You’re deflecting,” Michael said in response. “I’m serious, Alex. Give me a timeline.”

                “Where is all this even coming from?”

                “Maybe I don’t want to be a dirty secret anymore. Maybe I want Max and Isobel to know.”

                “Michael,” Alex said and sighed. “I thought we agreed to keep this private.”

                “No, _you_ wanted that and I didn’t say no,” Michael corrected.

                They stared at one another in silence for a long time, neither sure of what to say until Alex looked down.

                “Is that a deal breaker for you?” he asked quietly.

                “What if it is?” Michael pressed.

                Alex looked to the side dejectedly. All he wanted was to be open in his love for Michael, to be happy together like anyone else but his fears were too deeply engrained in his being.

                “We have to wrap up now,” he suddenly said. “I should go. Goodbye, Michael.”

                Alex shut his screen and disappeared from view. Michael groaned in frustration as he tossed his laptop aside. Too upset to get any rest, he stormed outside to work on the Chevy, taking his anger out on the truck before eventually falling asleep behind the wheel.

                Waking up with a crick in his neck, he massaged his sore muscles and dragged himself back inside the trailer. He glanced towards his computer, unsure whether he wanted to check his email or not. His heart quickly betrayed him and he pulled the device back open, feeling a lurch in his stomach when a new message from Alex popped up from last night.

                _I’m sorry with the way our talk went. I’m sorry I upset you._

                Michael rubbed his tired eyes in annoyance.

                _What you said last night, I’ve had the same argument with myself so many times but I can’t do that, Michael. I can’t be open like that. Maybe one day but right now…I’m sorry for disappointing you. We’re heading West tomorrow. I miss you. Alex._

                Michael leaned back in his bed, unsure how to respond. After several minutes, he finally shut his laptop and rose to his feet, choosing not to respond at all. He needed space from them and everything that was plaguing his mind.  
  


                *****  
  


                Keeping himself busy for several days, Michael spread his time between his actual job, the Chevy and the secret bunker under the Airstream. After a week, he finally found the courage to reopen his email, having already skipped one Skype session with Alex the previous night.

                _Are you still angry with me? I’m sorry, Michael. I don’t know what else to say. You know this isn’t easy for me. You know everything I’ve been through. Everything we’ve been through. Please just talk to me._

                After the next two emails sounded the same, Michael shut his screen again, his frustration winning out. Wanting a breather from everything in his life, he grabbed his phone and called Isobel, desperately needing to get drunk. When night finally rolled around, he barged into the Wild Pony and made a beeline for a booth in the back.

                “I need lots of booze and I don’t want to talk about it,” he grumbled in way of greeting.

                “That’s totally fine. _We_ don’t have to talk about anything,” Isobel replied, pushing a bottle of his favorite beer towards him.

                As he lifted the bottle and took a long drag, the same blond, _Heather_ , took a seat on his side. Isobel smirked at him before pulling Noah out of the booth, not even bothering with an excuse this time.

                “You sure know how to play hard to get,” the girl chuckled, tilting her face towards him.

                “I think Isobel may have given you the wrong impression. I’m not looking for a relationship.”

                “What makes you think I am?” she laughed, placing her hand on his thigh.

                He stared down at her perfectly manicured fingers before looking back up.

                “I think we can show each other a really good time,” she whispered, leaning close.

                Michael swallowed hard and before he could protest, she pressed her lips to his. He allowed it for a couple seconds before a sudden blinding flash snapped him from his trance and he pulled back in surprise.

                “What are you doing?” he asked, sliding away to put space between them. “I’m with someone.”

                “Isobel made it seem like that wasn’t working out,” the girl replied, leaning away as her own defenses shot up.

                “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” Michael exclaimed, shaking his head at himself. “What the hell am I doing here?”

                Rising to his feet, he made his way towards the exit when Isobel grabbed his arm. “Where are you going?”

                He yanked his arm away angrily. “Don’t.”

                “Michael, I’m sorry,” she pleaded. “I was just worried.”

                “You don’t need to worry about me.”

                “How can I not when you’re this upset most of the time?”

                “Just stay out of my personal life. I mean it, Iz.”

                They stared at one another for a few beats before she finally sighed in acceptance. “Whoever this secret girl is…is she worth it?”                   
  
                “Worth everything,” he replied as tears started to wet his eyes. “I’m in love with…”

                “Michael,” Isobel began when he trailed off.

                “Just leave it alone,” he muttered, making his way outside.

                Once he was safe inside his truck, he slammed his fists against the wheel, hating himself for what had almost happened. Peeling away from the bar, he sped down the main roads until he reached his Airstream, rushing inside and grabbing his laptop again. When he saw a new message from that afternoon, he opened it and his self-hatred grew.

                _I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me._

                Quickly shooting a response, he sat fidgeting for the better part of an hour before Alex finally came online. Michael’s smile quickly vanished at the faraway look he saw in the soldier’s eyes.

                “If you’re breaking up with me, just get it over with,” Alex said in way of greeting.

                “What? No!” Michael cried.

                Alex slowly met his gaze. “Where were you tonight?”

                Sighing, Michael rubbed his eyes. “I went to the bar. My head was all over the place but I’m okay now. I’m sorry.”

                Alex nodded, lowering his gaze to type on his keyboard. When he leaned back, he turned his head to the side, unable to hold Michael’s gaze.

                “Sweetheart, look at me,” Michael pleaded but Alex wouldn’t budge. “Alex, please.”

                Before Michael’s panic could kick in, he saw an email notification at the bottom of his screen. There was no message written in the body but when Michael opened the attachment, his heart froze. The photo was a selfie Maria had taken at the bar and in the background, Michael and the blond had their faces pressed together.

                “Baby, that’s not what it looks like, I promise!”

                “Maria was sending me a photo of the new sign for the bar. By whatever luck, that single photographic moment captured you in the background, kissing someone else,” Alex whispered, his eyes still focused away from the screen.

                “Alex, I didn’t kiss her!” he pleaded, the panic in his voice setting in. “She was some friend of Isobel’s and she leaned in to kiss me but I pulled away.”

                Alex finally met his gaze and the sadness Michael saw tore him to pieces.

                “Why were you even there with her? You sat close enough so she could kiss you.”

                “I let my guard down for a moment. Alex, I pulled away away and left the bar. I came straight home to tell you how sorry I am for being distant the past couple weeks. I’m sorry for doubting us.”

                Alex reached a hand up to wipe the tears from his eyes. Feeling his own heart breaking, Michael pressed his hand against the screen.

                “Who was I kidding? I thought we could make this work with me halfway across the world in the middle of a war and you back there in Roswell. I mean, I get it. You have needs, right?” Alex spat out.

                “No, baby, you’re not listening to me! No one and nothing means more to me than you,” Michael exclaimed, his voice cracking.

                “But you gave me an ultimatum, remember. Deal breaker?”

                “None of that matters anymore. I was just missing you so damn much and that made me stupid. I’m sorry, sweetheart. You know how much you mean to me.”

                “I guess not as much as _you_ mean to _me_ ,” Alex replied.

                “No, that’s not true. Alex!”

                He let out a sigh before looking away again. “I have to go. Goodbye, Guerin.”

                The screen went black and Michael tossed his laptop angrily onto the ground. Burying his face in his hands, he grabbed his curls and tugged almost painfully. Unaware of how much time was passing by, he finally looked up once daylight filtered through the window. Reaching for his computer again, he sent a new message and bit his lower lip, dreading the response. When the email instantly bounced back, Michael finally crumbled.

 

 


	4. FOUR

 

 

                Michael took a reluctant step inside the Wild Pony, removing his black cowboy hat as he walked in. Ignoring the growing emptiness he felt at another meaningless hookup, he took a moment to scan the potentials in the bar. All he wanted was a warm body to distract him for a short while before he went back to his lonely life. As his eyes glanced around, he noticed a group of women celebrating something Michael couldn’t bother to care about. Two of the women already had their eyes on him, both sending him a wink but Michael quickly looked away, uninterested. When no one piqued his interest, he stared towards the crowded counter with a resigned sigh. Before he could make his way over, movement to his right captured his attention.

                “As I live and breathe!” Maria shouted, her excitement making the small crowd around her laugh.

                Three men were gathered around Maria and whoever she was embracing, blocking Michael’s view. When they finally stepped aside, Michael felt his heart stop.

                “I thought you weren’t going to make it!” Maria went on.

                “Surprise,” Alex replied, smiling fondly. “You can thank these dickheads behind me for dragging me out here.”

                “Oh, and do these dickheads have names?”

                Alex laughed before stepping aside and pointing towards the three. “Airman Victor Wu, Sergeant Adam Miller and Sergeant Billy Hunter.”

                “Billy Hunter? Why do I know that name?” Maria asked, narrowing her gaze.

                Michael’s mind was racing as he watched the scene unfold. When the most attractive of the three soldiers glanced towards Alex with a fond expression, he felt a sudden wave of nausea wash over him.                    
                 
                “Probably because the Lieutenant told you what a jerk I was in the beginning. I’m still trying to make amends,” Billy replied with a sheepish shrug.

                “It helps that I’m his Superior,” Alex added with a laugh as Billy draped his arm around his shoulders.

                “He’s got one of the kindest hearts out of everyone I know. He saved my life.”

                Alex lowered his chin, shying away from the praise as Billy squeezed his shoulders. Michael stood frozen in his spot, watching the interaction with a twisted pain in his gut.

                “Anyway, we’re all on leave and decided to hit each of our home towns together,” the soldier added, removing his arm.

                “How long are you guys here for?” Maria asked.

                “Just a day. We leave tomorrow morning for Texas,” Alex replied.

                “Well, I’m glad to be your one stop in town. Grab a booth, you guys.”

                Alex waved the others off towards an empty booth near the back wall before turning towards Maria.

                “I never would have recognized him as that homophobic jerk without the name,” she started once the soldiers were gone.

                “After everything that happened, once I went back from leave, he apologized and he was sincere about it. I made him suffer a bit with cleaning latrines and other stuff like that but I don’t know. I’ve carried so much hate and resentment around my whole life. Figured I’d forgive where I could.”

                “Well, you did always have the biggest heart, Alex. But that sincerity of his better be real or he’ll have to deal with me.”

                They shared a smile and a second hug before she followed Alex to his booth with four beers on her tray. Waving them off, Maria made her way back behind the busy counter as Alex took his seat. Michael was still standing at the other end of the bar, a mixture of hurt and anger bubbling inside him. Before he could change his mind and leave to avoid making a scene, Michael stormed across the floor towards their booth and took some satisfaction when he saw the look of surprise on Alex’s face.

                “Alex Manes, back from the Middle East,” he greeted.

                The others looked up at his sudden approach but Michael kept his gaze firm on the only person that mattered. They continued to stare at one another heatedly, the tension between them growing by the second.

                “Hey man,” Billy cut through the intense silence.

                Michael tore his eyes away to glance at him before turning back to Alex. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?”

                “Can we not do this right now, please?” Alex finally found his voice.

                “Why? Do I not even rank on the list of people that you know from back home? Was it that easy to forget me?” Michael snapped.

                Alex narrowed his gaze and slowly rose to his feet.

                “I’ll be back in a bit,” he addressed his group.

                Without sparing Michael another glance, Alex turned on his heels and made his way towards the back exit. Michael watched him go for a moment before he grabbed Alex’s half-drunk beer and finished the contents inside. Slamming the bottle back down, he ignored the confusion from the three men and followed Alex through the back door into the dimly lit alleyway outside. The moment the door slammed shut, Alex spun around to face him.

                “Is there something you want to say, Guerin?”

                Michael scoffed at the name. “So I’m back to Guerin again?”

                Alex’s glare intensified.

                “Do your buddies in there know who I am?”

                “Why the hell would they know that? You and I are no one to each other anymore, remember?” Alex exclaimed before sighing. “I’m not hashing this out with you right now.”

                “We never hashed it out back then!” Michael shouted. “You were done, just like that. You deactivated your email, you didn’t come home. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me? Not knowing if you were even alive?!”

                “Am I the only one that remembers what happened, Guerin?” Alex spat back. “You let someone else kiss you.”

                “It was a stupid mistake, Alex. I didn’t go searching for someone to cheat on you with. She just leaned in and kissed me and that Goddamn photo showed those two seconds before I got up and left.”

                “You gave me an ultimatum before that, remember? The deal breaker for you? Either we tell people or you were done?” Alex said, breathing heavily. “You know how hard it was for me when we were young, everything with my dad and you still demanded the one thing I can’t give. Then you disappeared for two weeks. When you finally decided to talk again, it was after I saw that photo. Do you think all of that was easy for _me_?”

                “Didn’t look like you’ve been all that heartbroken from what I saw,” Michael began, lifting his chin defiantly. “Seems like your buddy in there, _Billy_ , is taking real good care of you overseas.”

                “Are you serious? Just because I forgave the guy means I’ll let him screw me?” Alex argued, shaking his head in disbelief. “Yeah, because that’s what I’m thinking about in the middle of a war with bullets flying past my ears every other day. I’m thinking about letting one of the guys in my unit fuck me in some back alleyway when no one’s looking.”

                Michael growled at the thought, his reaction not lost on Alex.

                “Even if I did, that would be none of your business. We aren’t together anymore, Guerin,” he said and cut Michael off before he could speak. “Don’t even pretend that you’ve been pining away this past year instead of sleeping your way through town.”

                Michael instantly deflated at the words, the hurt he was feeling taking center stage once more.

                “Why does it have to be so hard?” he whispered.

                Alex took a step back at his words, the tension slowly leaving his body.

                “You and I, when it works, it feels right in a way that nothing else does. But something always screws it up.”

                Alex looked away to get a handle on his emotions.

                “Why did you have to leave? Why did you enlist?”

                “I told you why,” Alex whispered back. “He would have killed me if I stayed.”

                “We’re not kids anymore, Alex. We don’t have to be scared of him anymore,” Michael reminded.

                When Alex refused to meet his gaze, Michael closed the distance between them, pushing him until Alex had his back pinned to the wall.

                “Tell me you don’t want this,” Michael said, leaning in to press their foreheads together.

                Alex made a weak attempt to move from his grasp, eventually giving in with a resigned sigh.

                “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want me anymore. Make me believe it and I’ll leave you alone.”

                Alex felt a shiver slip down his spine when Michael lifted his good hand to cover his rapidly beating heart.

                “I…,” he began but his voice quickly broke.

                Their gazes locked when Michael tilted his head back.

                “I’m sorry for giving you an ultimatum. I let something Isobel said get to me but that doesn’t matter anymore. It stopped mattering back then,” Michael began.

                “What if I can’t ever give you what you want?” Alex whispered.

                Michael reached out to take his face in his hands.

                “I just want to be with you.”

                Alex released a shaky breath before he wrapped his arms around Michael’s shoulders, burying his face in the warmth of his neck. Wrapping his own arms tightly around him, Michael closed his eyes, taking comfort from their closeness.

                “Hey Lieutenant!”  

                They pulled apart to see a surprised Billy standing in the doorway. The soldier quickly diverted his gaze, smiling in apology.

                “I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

                “I’m fine,” Alex assured, rubbing his tired face. “Just give me a minute.”

                When the door closed again, he turned to Michael with a sigh.

                “Don’t ask me to come home with you,” Alex started. “It gets harder to leave each time.”

                “So stop leaving,” Michael said with a sad laugh.

                Alex watched him for a moment before clearing his throat. “I’m nearing the end of my enlistment period. I have about a year to go. We can wait and see what happens then?”

                “Are you going to disappear on me again? No contact for a year?” Michael asked, pushing his hands into his pockets to hide how vulnerable he felt inside.

                “No,” Alex said, smiling at him for the first time. “That part almost killed me.”

                 “It almost killed me too,” Michael agreed, taking a more confident step forward. “Will you still come home with me? Just to talk or sleep? I don’t want to say goodbye to you yet.”

                 Alex felt his heart break at the quiet words. Reaching forward, he pulled Michael into another long embrace, kissing his neck when he leaned back.

                “Are you still at Foster’s ranch?” he asked and Michael nodded. “Wait for me in the parking?”

                 Michael nodded before releasing Alex’s hand and walking back into the bar. He kept his head down as he made his way through the lively crowd, stepping back into the night and climbing behind his wheel. When he heard the passenger door open moments later, he looked over at Alex with a smile.

                 Once he was on the road towards his trailer, Alex reached out and took a hold of his hand. He kept his eyes focused on the scenery outside but squeezed Michael’s hand between his own as they drove in silence. Neither was sure of how much time had passed until they were standing inside the Airstream, side by side.

                 “Are you hungry?” Michael broke the silence.                                                                                                     

                 Alex shook his head. “Can we just go to bed? I just want to hold you for a while.”

                 “Yeah, we can do that,” Michael smiled nervously.

                 They slowly removed their clothes piece by piece, neither taking their eyes off the other. Leaving their boxers on, they climbed into the small bed, laying on their sides.

                 “I missed you so much,” Michael whispered, reaching out to touch his cheek.

                 Alex closed his eyes, allowing his heart to calm. “I missed you too.”

                 He moved forward until his face was tucked under Michael’s chin, breathing in the musk of dirt and oil and sweat he loved so much. Once Michael had his arm wrapped around Alex’s waist, he finally closed his own eyes. A peaceful quiet emerged between them as they drifted off to sleep, one Michael only felt when he had Alex in his arms.

                 Once the sun began to rise, Michael blinked himself awake to see Alex sitting by his side, dressed and ready to leave. Before he could sit up, Alex leaned down and crashed their lips together. Michael groaned into the kiss, his hands reaching for Alex’s hips and pulling the other man until he was straddling his legs.

                 “You wait until now to kiss me, just as you’re about to leave?” he grumbled.

                 Alex let out a soft chuckle, leaning back. “Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.”

                 “I didn’t tell you to stop,” Michael complained as he pulled Alex back in.

                 The moment their tongues touched, Alex lost all willpower and allowed Michael to twist them until he was pinned against the bed.

                 “This year is going to suck,” Michael mumbled, pressing hot kisses down Alex’s neck as he began unbuttoning his shirt.

                 “The guys will be here any minute. I have to go.”

                 “Tell them to wait.”

                 Once the shirt was undone, he pulled the fabric from Alex’s body and moved his hands towards his belt.

                 “Michael,” Alex whimpered.

                 “There you go, sweetheart,” Michael said with a gentle smile, leaning down to kiss him.

                  Just as Alex buried his hands in Michael’s curls, a loud honking sounded from outside. Both groaned angrily when the horn sounded again.

                  “I can tell them to screw off and come back in thirty minutes,” Michael suggested.

                  “Thirty minutes won’t be near enough,” Alex replied as he pulled away and rose to his feet, grabbing his shirt from the floor.

                  “Seriously? This is how you’re going to say goodbye? Leaving me naked and horny in bed?” Michael growled.

                  “That’s not a bad image for me to carry,” Alex laughed before leaning down until their faces were inches apart. “Besides, think of it as payback for all those Skype sessions.”

                   Seeing the look of disbelief on Michael’s face, Alex smiled before kissing him chastely.  
  
                   “I reactivated my email by the way.”

                   “So we can talk again? Like before?”

                   “One year left. Let’s see what happens.”

                   Michael nodded and rose to his feet. “You know my heart is with you, right? That I won’t look at anyone else?”

                   “I know,” Alex smiled, a blush covering his cheeks.

                    Michael gave his own smile in reply. “You going to mind if I kiss you goodbye in front of those guys?”

                    “Yes!” Alex laughed. “They’re men in my unit, Guerin. I need them to take me seriously.”

                    “Yes, Sir, Lieutenant, Sir,” Michael replied, his gentle mocking earning him a glare.

                     He reached out to take Alex’s hand, swallowing his humor down.

                    “Be careful,” he pleaded.

                     Alex smiled sadly and kissed him a final time before pulling away and walking out of the trailer.

                     “Did you have a good time, Lieutenant?” Victor teased from the backseat.

                     Alex threw him a glare and nodded at Billy to leave. As they drove away from the Airstream, Alex reached out to his side mirror, pressing his fingers against the image of Michael standing in the trailer door, watching them leave.

                *****

                Six weeks passed with emails swapped back and forth. On Friday night, Michael stumbled into the Airstream after a long day of arguing with Isobel and Max. His email to Alex from two weeks ago was still unanswered, intensifying his already irritated mood. Grabbing a beer from his fridge, he took a long drag to ease his nerves before grabbing his laptop and logging into his email account. Seeing a new message from Alex brought the first happy smile to his face in days. Opening the message, he leaned forward to read the words.

                _Guerin,  
 _ _A lot has happened the past couple weeks. I’m not really sure where to start or how to tell you this. Things here are getting very intense and as soldiers, we need to commit to our cause. I signed up for another tour which will last another eighteen months after the next eight months of my current are done. You may not understand but it was something I felt I needed to do.  
__I think we made a mistake trying to commit to one another again when we saw each other last. What we had between us was nothing more than a fantasy that I now realize has fizzled out. I have other commitments that don’t involve a relationship with the boy I slept with back in high school.  
__I hope that you will be able to move on. I will do the same. I have always wanted nothing but the best for you. Good luck in everything you do.  
__Goodbye  
 _ _Alex_

 

                Michael sat back, completely stunned. He felt as if his heart had been severed from his body and destroyed. Unable to hide the sudden anger he felt boiling inside, he grabbed the laptop and sent his own infuriated reply. Once the message had been sent, he threw his laptop angrily against the wall, watching it shatter to pieces on the floor. Breathing heavily, he closed his eyes to stop his tears from falling.

                On the other side of the ocean, at a large military hospital near base, Billy had his head pressed against a window, quietly watching the movement outside. Hearing a soft groan behind him, he turned and quickly rushed towards the bed as Alex opened his eyes.

                “Hey, Captain. Good morning,” he greeted, using Alex’s newly promoted title.

                Alex blinked several times before his eyes focused.

                “What time is it?” he asked, lowering his gaze.

                “Just after ten. Did you want me to get the doctor?”

                Alex nodded, swallowing the sudden pain that jolted through his body. Billy returned moments later with the military Doctor and nurse at his side.

                “Good Morning, Captain. How are you feeling?”

                “In a lot of pain,” Alex replied quietly.

                “We can fix that,” the Doctor replied, giving directions to the nurse to administer morphine.

                When the drug began to take effect, Alex felt the tension start to loosen in his body.

                “Are you ready to discuss your options?” the Doctor asked.

                Alex finally lowered his gaze to the foot of his bed, staring at his amputated leg as tears began to well in his eyes.

                “Son, what you went through was traumatic but you’re here and you’re alive,” the Doctor began kindly. “I know that’s hard to see right now but you’re very lucky.”

                “You saved the lives of two men, Captain,” Billy added quietly.

                Alex shut his eyes, willing his tears not to fall.

                “Once your other injuries have healed, we can get you started on physical therapy. I won’t lie. You have a very tough road ahead but from what your men have told me, you seem to be a very resilient young man.”

                “Yeah,” Alex laughed, opening his eyes. “I lost my leg. Is there a rulebook on how I’m supposed to cope with that?”

                “Time, physical therapy and counselling will help.”

                “But I’ll still be disabled. Can’t really go back from that, can I? All I am now is a burden, to the military, to…”

                He looked away, unable to say anything else.

                “We can transfer you to a military hospital back home. You’re from Roswell, right?”

                “No!” Alex shook his head.

                “Son, it will be easier to go through this with family nearby.”

                “What family?” Alex snapped, unable to stop his tears any longer. “I have no family.”

                “Captain…,” Billy started.

                “Whoever else I had in my life, I won’t burden them with this. I can’t.”

                The Doctor watched him for a long moment before sighing. “It’s your choice in the end.”

                “Good. I’ll stay here,” Alex reaffirmed, looking away.

                “Alright,” the Doctor finally agreed. “Rest up for now. I’ll be back shortly.”

                Once they were gone, Alex turned towards his Sergeant.

                “Did he reply?”

                “Alex, don’t do this to yourself.”

                “Did he reply?” he asked again.  

                Billy sighed. “Yeah, he did.”

                “Can you grab the laptop for me?”

                The soldier nodded before placing the laptop over Alex’s stomach and opening his email account.

                “Do you want me to stay?”

                “I’d like to be alone, please,” Alex whispered, keeping his gaze focused down.

                The soldier reached out to touch his shoulder before making his way from the room, closing the door behind him. Taking a deep breath, Alex opened the only new email in his inbox.

_You know what, Manes? I’m done with this back and forth game you love to play so much. I’m done waiting here for you to show up, offer me some scraps and then walk away again. We both know you’ll come back but guess what? This time, I won’t be waiting anymore. I’m done with you and whatever high school fantasy you think we had. Screw you._

                It was the response he had wanted when he’d sent his email. Waking up ten days ago with half his body bandaged and his leg amputated under the knee, all Alex had wanted was for Michael to be there with him and hold him as he cried. As a few days started to pass and his trauma intensified, he’d sent Michael that email in an effort to save the other man from any more exposure to the pain that came with being in Alex’s life. He loved Michael more fiercely than he had ever loved anything else. It was that purity of love that had pushed Alex to set him free.

 

 


	5. FIVE

 

                They hadn’t spoken in three long years, ever since Michael had sent his angry email in reply to Alex breaking things off. What followed was a blur of meaningless sex, nights spent drunk at the bar or held in lockup with a disappointed Max lecturing him on all the ways he’d ruined his life. He was able to keep up the messy façade of the town belligerent drunk, an easy role to play when he pretended not to care. But when night arrived and silence took over, Michael’s thoughts would range from being with Alex again to escaping Earth and leaving his misery behind.

               Seeing Alex at his trailer for the first time in three years had surfaced all the feelings of love and longing that Michael had done his best to push aside. He’d been bitter in their initial exchange and seeing Alex walking with a crutch never registered fully in his mind. They’d argued later at the reunion but neither could deny the tension they’d felt standing so close with Alex holding his arm. He’d always seen Alex as a beacon, pulling Michael to him even when his instincts told him to run. They’d spoken honestly for the first time, out on the terrace while everyone else mingled inside. Unable to help himself, Michael had leaned in and kissed him. The intensity of the moment had set his heart on fire but he half expected it when Alex pulled away the next day. Only when they met again at his Airstream, with Michael readying himself to vacate the area, did Alex drop his walls and finally show a crack in his tough façade. 

               “I never look away. Not really,” Michael said, unable to shield the tears in his eyes.

                With his heart thumping in his throat, Michael watched as the expression on Alex’s face slowly changed. Gone was the guarded man who pulled away from their cosmic bond, replaced by the boy he was at seventeen, gazing at Michael with wide eyes full of wonder. They held their stare for another moment before Alex slowly turned towards the Airstream.

                “What are you doing?” Michael asked, reaching out to grab his arm.

                Glancing over his shoulder, Alex willed him to understand before limping his way inside. Once the door had slipped shut, Michael spun him around, unable to stand another moment being apart. Alex made the first move and pulled Michael hard against his body, crashing their lips together. Dropping the crutch to the ground to slip his hands into Michael’s curls, Alex whimpered when Michael wrapped his arms around his waist. They kissed again and again, exploring each other’s mouths until Michael shifted Alex backwards to the small bed. Pulling his lips away, he gripped Alex’s short strands, tugging almost too tightly before pushing him down onto the sheets. Alex licked his swollen lips and stared up at him with brazen desire before reaching to undo his belt. Michael yanked his own shirt off and tossed it aside, taking a deep breath before lowering himself down.

                They kissed for several long minutes, neither able to get their fix until Michael tore his lips away and attacked Alex’s neck. He littered the soft skin with bruising bites, a desperate need inside him to mark Alex as his. Too aroused to endure the torture any longer, Alex pulled Michael’s face from his neck to stare into his eyes, both breathing heavily to calm their pounding hearts. Pushing himself off the small bed, Michael reached down to help Alex remove his sweater and the shirt underneath. Crawling up to straddle his legs, he reached down to massage the smooth chest, swallowing the lump in his throat when Alex closed his eyes and tilted his head back with a soft moan. A part of Michael never thought he’d have Alex this way again but he pushed the overwhelming emotions aside and reached down to cup his lover’s face. Alex opened his dazed eyes, a small smile starting to form.

                “I missed you,” he confessed, the words lifting a weight from Michael’s heart.

                “I missed you too,” he said with a quiet laugh. “Talking’s never been our strong suit, has it?”

                Alex shared his laugh, shaking his head in reply. Michael took a moment to softly press their lips together in a chaste kiss before leaning back to reach for Alex’s pants. Once the belt was undone, he started pulling the jeans away when Alex shot his hands out to stop him.

                “What’s wrong?”

                “My…,” Alex began, his sudden anxiety making his hands shake against Michael’s arm.

                “Alex, what is it?” he asked worriedly.

                “My leg,” Alex whispered, his voice cracking. “I have a…”

                “Hey, it’s okay,” Michael soothed but Alex shook his head and pulled away.

                “I’m sorry. Just don’t, please,” he pleaded, separating himself to the far corner of the bed.

                “Alex, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

                When he reached out to touch him, Alex curled in on himself even more. Closing his eyes, he released a shaky breath as a tear streamed down his cheek.

                “We don’t have to do anything,” Michael began, slowly moving closer to him but keeping his hands to himself.

                Alex angrily wiped at his eyes before catching Michael’s gaze.

                “I’m not whole anymore,” he finally said.

                The words broke Michael’s in half.

                “Sweetheart, that’s okay.”

                “You don’t understand. No one has seen me like this other than my doctors and nurses,” Alex whispered.

                Reaching out slowly, Michael placed his hand on Alex’s arm and rubbed it gently. Taking his time, he inched even closer until his arm could slip around Alex’s waist. The moment he pulled him against his chest, Alex broke down in a fit of sobs. Wrapping his arms around him in a protective hold, Michael gently soothed him as he cried.

                “You’re okay now. You’re here with me.”

                They stayed that way for a long time, the silence between them filled with a painful cry that Michael felt at his core. When his sobs finally calmed, Alex leaned back to wipe his eyes.

                “I’m sorry,” he apologized, releasing a heavy sigh. “I’m a mess, aren’t I?”

                “You’re safe with me. You know that, right?” Michael asked.

                Reaching out to touch his cheek, Alex smiled softly. “I do.”

                “Good. Why don’t we lie down and get some sleep?”

                Alex hesitated for a moment before he leaned in and kissed Michael gently.

                “Did I ruin the moment?”

                “Never,” Michael replied with a smile.

                “Do you still want me after all that?”

                “Always,” Michael’s reply was instant.

                Breathing unsteadily, Alex lowered himself back down onto the bed, spreading his legs out.

                “Be gentle?” he asked.

                Michael swallowed hard. “We don’t have to do anything right now.”

                “I want to,” Alex replied, biting his lip. “Make love to me?”

                The words cut through him sharply before Michael nodded and leaned down. Pulling the jeans off one leg at a time, he tossed the garment aside and focused on the prosthetic tied to Alex’s leg. Slowly removing the clasp, he placed the prosthetic on the ground before taking the leg in his hands and tenderly massaging the end. He looked down to see Alex had his eyes squeezed shut, unable to control the tears that slipped from beneath his lashes.

                “Alex, look at me,” he implored, the pleading in his voice making the soldier look up. “You’re beautiful.”

                Leaning down, he pressed a gentle kiss against the scars, making Alex release the breath he had been holding. Desperately reaching for him, Alex pulled him up and crashed their lips together, their bodies tangling above the sheets. Once Michael was buried deep inside for the first time in so long, the tender sex bridged them back together again.

               

                Three days of bliss was all they had before Jesse Manes got inside his son’s head once more. Even though Alex had hurt him that morning when Isobel appeared, asking Michael to watch the movie together at the drive in had been a big step for the soldier to take. They’d enjoyed light banter and popcorn through the movie before Jesse confronted his son. The moment Alex had gone in search of food with his brows furrowed, Michael had known they were done. He’d tried one last time to get _his_ Alex back by suggesting they go for a drive, but the effort was a useless one. They argued, Alex ended things a final time and walked away. All Michael could do was sit inside his truck and hate his tears when they started to fall.

                He loved Alex with everything he had and his heart would forever belong to the wounded soldier but a small part of him hated Alex too. Some days Michael blamed him for everything that had gone wrong, other days he cursed himself for kissing Alex at the museum that first time. But once his anger and bitterness would wane, all Michael was left with was a broken heart and memories of a man he could never walk away from.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reunion next :)


	6. SIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading XOXO :)

 

 

                As Alex drove towards Sander’s lot, his mind replayed his last conversation with Kyle back at the bunker. He knew so much more now that he hadn’t known when he and Michael had reunited briefly a few weeks back. Deep down, Alex always recognized the oddness to the way Michael, Isobel and Max had been found wandering in the desert when they were young. After falling in love with Michael and going through everything he had in his own life, he’d pushed any and all thoughts aside. Knowing now that the three of them were aliens, that _Michael_ was an alien, Alex didn’t know where he landed on that. All he could admit was that Kyle had been right. They needed to talk.

                Parking outside the Airstream, he took a moment to watch Michael as he sat on the steps leading into the trailer, his face buried in his hands. The moment Michael looked up and saw who it was, Alex could see the irritated look in his eyes, even from far away. Taking a deep breath, he climbed out and slipped his hands into his pockets as he made his way forward, watching as Michael rose and stumbled to meet him.

                “What are you doing here?” he asked, his voice distant and closed off.

                “I, um…,” Alex began, unsure how to start when Michael pulled one of his boots off. “What are you doing?”

                Michael mumbled as he dropped something into his palm from inside his shoe. He tilted the jewelry in his hands and Alex quietly gasped.

                “That’s Maria’s necklace.”

                Michael slowly raised his eyes as realization dawned on both of them. Alex blinked a few times and looked down, missing the regretful look on Michael’s face before he schooled his features and wore his boot again, dropping the jewelry in his back pocket.

                “What were you saying?”

                Alex shook his head and squared his shoulders.

                “There’s a rattle in my car. I was hoping Sanders could take a look.”

                “Well, Sanders isn’t here right now and he’s half blind so I can take a look if you want,” Michael suggested, taking a small step forward.

                The movement made Alex take a step back, unable to hold Michael’s gaze.

                “No, it’s fine. I’ll just come back when he’s here,” he said before turning to leave.

                Michael watched him walk towards his car, hating the distance that existed between them. Scoffing at the retreating figure, he started towards his trailer when Alex’s words stopped him.

                “No. I’m tired of walking away.”

                Facing him again, Michael met his gaze with disbelief.

                “I’m tired of not saying what I want to say,” Alex added, taking a few steps towards him.

                “What do you want to say, Alex?” Michael demanded, walking forward and holding his arms out to the sides in frustration.

                “That I loved you.”

                The four words stopped Michael dead in his tracks.

                “And I think you loved me. For a long time.”

                Michael saw the tears welled in Alex’s eyes and swallowed hard, feeling the wetness forming in his own. “Yeah.”

                “But we didn’t even know each other that well, did we?” Alex asked, his usual armour falling as he spoke from his heart. “I mean, we connected like something…”

                “Cosmic,” Michael finished.

                “Yeah, but we didn’t even do that much talking and I want to talk. I want to start over,” Alex exclaimed, his words making Michael feel a burst of hope inside his chest. “I want to, I don’t know, be friends?”

                The happiness Michael felt quickly disappeared.

                “I want to know who you are, Guerin,” Alex finished with an exhale.

                As Michael watched Alex stare at him, the soldier’s posture suddenly tense, realization hit him and he felt his heart sink.

                “Do you want to know who I am?” he asked, closing the distance between them. “Or do you want to know _what_ I am?”

                “Yes,” Alex said shakily before steadying himself. “Both.”

                Michael slowly nodded, unsure how to react to his biggest secret being discovered by the only person he had always desperately wanted to tell.

                “How did you find out?” he asked quietly.

                “That’s a long story,” Alex shook his head.

                “I have time.”

                Alex stared at him for a long moment before rubbing his eyes, stepping back to put some distance between them.

                “Kyle showed up at my cabin a while back, made some excuse about his family. Cabin used to be his father’s,” he began, leaning against the hood of his car and raising his leg to ease the tension from his sore muscles. “We found a hidden bedroom underground and figured that was where Jim Valenti was helping Liz’s sister detox.”

                Michael remained frozen where he stood, trying his hardest to remain calm.

                “After Kyle left, I found something,” Alex continued. “At first, I thought Jim left me the cabin because he knew about my past, everything I’d gone through with my dad. That is was all an act of kindness but then I remembered how close he and my dad had been when Kyle and I were kids. All those long sessions behind closed doors. I started connecting some dots and ended up trailing my dad, following his movements.”

                He ignored the look of surprise on Michael’s face.

                “I staked him out for a while before I found his secret bunker last week. I knocked him out with my crutch and dragged him down. He’s been running a secret mission called Project Shepherd for several years behind the military’s back. I hacked into his ridiculously inept system and there you were. He had files on all three of you.”

                Michael looked to the side, swallowing hard. “What did the files say?”

                “That you were a terrorist, threat level red,” Alex replied, making Michael snap his gaze back to him. “He said a lot of things about you. About Max and Isobel too but mostly you because he knew it would get to me.”

                “What did he say?” Michael quietly asked.

                “It doesn’t matter because I didn’t believe him,” Alex said with a sigh. “I blackmailed him into leaving the country and it worked. I checked with the base, he’s stationed in Niger right now but I don’t know how long that’s going to last.”

                Alex laughed at Michael’s surprised expression before he stared out into the distance.

                “I waited years to get some sort of leverage on the man. Felt pretty amazing wiping that smug smile off his face. Just never thought it would be over something like this.”

                “I…,” Michael started, but Alex cut him off, dragging his gaze back to him.

                “Jenna Cameron, Max’s partner, approached me yesterday and with Kyle, we started looking into fourteen deaths that have happened by unusual circumstance, with a handprint over the face, all starting with Rosa,” Alex said and shook his head again, chuckling at the absurdity of his own words. “We figured that there’s an alien serial killer out there, a fourth one of you all.”

                Michael looked up in confusion.

                “Yeah, Kyle mentioned everything that was going on with Isobel. I don’t know how to explain it all yet, maybe some telepathic mind control, but I don’t think Isobel is to blame,” Alex added before straightening. “Kyle mentioned everything else too.”

                “Everything else?” Michael’s voice broke.

                “Everything that happened after you left the shed that night,” Alex said, looking away.

                The memory was a hard one for both.

                “I used to think that all of this UFO business was utter crap so it took me a minute to wrap my mind around everything,” he said, releasing a deep breath. “But it’s real, all of it. You, Max and Isobel are aliens.”

                Michael reached a hand out but aborted the movement midway, unsure of himself.

                “Kyle, of all people, convinced me to come and talk to you,” Alex said, his voice taking on a sadness that Michael easily recognized. “You’ve kept this huge part of you a secret this whole time.”

                “It wasn’t just _my_ secret,” Michael whispered but Alex continued as if he hadn’t spoken.

                “But it’s not like I can hate you for it, right? After what my father did back then and everything he’s doing now, I get why you never trusted me.”

                “That’s not true!” Michael exclaimed. 

                “Isn’t it, though? Hell, I thought we were soulmates back then, always finding our way back to each other no matter the time or distance,” he said, the words an echo of what Michael had always believed himself. “But all of this just made me realize that I don’t really know you at all, do I?”

                “You _do_ know me,” Michael pleaded, taking a step forward. “I’m still that same guy who fell in love with you senior year because of your kind heart. I’m still the guy who kissed you at the museum, who kissed you at the reunion.”

                “But that’s not all you are, Guerin,” Alex cut him off. “It isn’t like I just learned some small random fact about you. This is huge and my family is involved.”

                “Alex,” Michael tried, reaching out but the soldier took a step back.

                “That’s why I want to get to know you. Not just what you are but _who_ you are. We can’t do that without communicating and me walking away all the time. I’m done walking.”

                Michael nodded faintly. “So you want to be friends?”

                Alex released a sigh. “I guess so, yeah.”

                Michael watched him for a long moment when a gut-wrenching pain suddenly filled his heart. “Are you afraid of me?”

                Alex immediately softened at the words. “No, I’m not afraid of you. I know what monsters look like and that’s not who you are, Michael.”

                He shut his eyes at the sound of his name and felt the tears he had been holding finally fall. A moment later, he felt a set of arms wrap around him, pulling him into a strong embrace. Michael locked his own arms around Alex’s waist, pulling their bodies flush together for the first time in so long.

                “I can’t just be friends with you,” he whispered. “I can never just be friends with you.”

                “We have to try, Michael,” Alex said, extracting himself from the warm embrace. “You need to figure some things out and we need to figure this whole mess out too.”

                “Alex, what happened with DeLuca…”

                “Is not my business,” he hastily cut him off, taking a step back towards his car.

                “Alex, listen to me. It was a one time deal. We were out in the desert and drunk…”

                “Please, just stop,” Alex held his hand up, the move shutting Michael mid-account. “I was the one who ended things so I have no claims on you. You were free to do as you pleased.”

                He finally lifted his gaze to meet Michael’s sorrowful eyes.

                “But she’s my best friend so please, just stop.”

                All Michael wanted was to reach out again but he knew Alex wouldn’t welcome the closeness right now.

                “I told you everything I know. Now it’s your turn.”

                Michael sniffled, wiping at his eyes. “Will you meet me here tomorrow morning? I’ll tell you everything.”

                Alex nodded and reached towards his door.

                “You told me you loved me,” Michael blurted out, his words making the soldier stop. “Was that only past tense?”

                Alex looked back at him, unable to hide the sadness behind his smile.

                “See you tomorrow.”

                Once the dust had settled and Alex was long gone, Michael ran a hand through his messy curls, exhausted from the many emotions flowing through him. Making his way to his trailer, he rushed through a shower and a change of clothes before driving towards town. The dreaded look on Maria’s face as he entered the bar almost made him turn back around.

                “Guerin, I thought we said…”

                “Calm down, DeLuca,” he cut her off, sitting on one of the stools and placing the necklace on the counter.

                “Where did you find that?” she gasped, quickly tying it around her neck.

                “It was in one of my boots. Found it at the worst possible time,” he mumbled.

                “I can’t believe it. Thank you, Guerin. I would have really hated losing it.”

                “Sentimental value?”

                “Yeah,” she said, smiling softly. “It was a gift from Alex. He bought it overseas, gave it to me when he came back on his first leave.”

                Michael’s eyes widened before he looked down at his hands.

                “Should I ask?” she ventured.

                “No, but there’s something I need to say,” he began, clearing his throat. “What happened between us was fun.”

                “If you’re about to say you want another round…”

                “No!” he said, exasperated. “I’m telling you that I agree. I don’t want a repeat.”

                “Really?” she asked, the tension draining from her body as she leaned on the counter. “Care to share why?”

                “Look, don’t get me wrong. You’re fun and you’re hot and I can see us maybe even being friends down the line,” he started. “But I slept with you for all the wrong reasons. Same reasons I’ve slept with pretty much everyone else except…”

                “Except?” Maria pressed before realization hit her. “Guerin, are you into someone?”

                “Cosmically so,” he said with a wry laugh.

                “This is getting juicy,” she chuckled. “Do I know who it is? Is she a regular at the bar? Is that why you regret what happened?”

                Michael looked up sadly. “I regret it because I know how much it hurt him when he found out.”

                “ _He_?” Maria raised her brow.

                Michael looked away as Maria narrowed her gaze. Seconds later, she let out another gasp.

                “Guerin, no,” she began, straightening up. “Tell me it’s not Alex.”

                “I can’t tell you that.”

                “Oh my God,” Maria groaned. “How long have you guys been together? Did you cheat on him with me because I’ll kill you!”

                “No, would you quiet down!” he exclaimed, glancing around them at the scattered crowd. “We picked things up again when he got back to Roswell but he walked away a few weeks ago. When you saw us talking here the other day, that was the first time we’d talked in weeks. He’d been avoiding me like the plague.”

                “Oh, I hate this so much,” she said before frowning. “Hold on, you said you picked things up again when he came back to Roswell. How long have you guys been a thing?”

                Michael lowered his gaze and Maria groaned again.

                “You’re Museum Guy, aren’t you?” she asked, ignoring his confusion. “You’re the guy who kissed Alex at the UFO museum back in senior year?”

                “Yeah,” he said with a soft smile. “He told you about that?”

                “Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how absolutely smitten he was with you?”

                “I have an idea,” he said quietly.

                Maria sighed heavily. “We need to fix this, Guerin. Actually, _you_ need to fix this. I didn’t know.”

                “He said he wants to be friends.”

                “Is that what you want?”

                “No,” he said with a scoff. “I want everything with him. I want to be with him. I always have but it’s not that easy. We have a lot of history between us. There’s a lot of hurt.”

                “But there’s good too?” she asked softly.

                “A lifetime worth of it,” he said, blinking away the wetness in his eyes.

                Maria regarded him for a moment, really seeing Guerin for the first time.

                “He’ll come around. Just don’t give him any more excuses to walk away and make sure he doesn’t find his own excuse to leave either.”

                “I think I just gave him the biggest reason to run,” he said regretfully. “I’m not even talking about what happened between us.”

                “What do you mean?” she asked, reaching for the whisky.

                He shook his head, surprising her when he turned the liquor down. “I have to go see Max.”

                For the first time in years, he walked out of the Wild Pony without a drink.

                *****

                Sitting on one of his chairs outside, Michael nervously fidgeted with his hands as he waited. At the sound of a car driving up, he released the deep breath he had been holding, watching as Alex climbed out of his truck with a wrapped package under his arm.

                “I wasn’t sure if you’d come,” Michael greeted, rising to his feet.

                Alex shrugged, pulling the zipper of his jacket up past his waist. His soft, tousled hair made Michael want to reach out and pull him into his arms but he kept himself rooted to the ground.

                “I said I would,” Alex replied. “How’s Isobel? I spoke with Kyle and he mentioned you guys pulled her out of a coma of some sorts?”

                “Yeah,” Michael said with a wry chuckle. “Something like that. She’s alright, Liz and Max downloaded everything to her. She’s just happy that it wasn’t really her at fault all those years ago. Don’t know about her and Noah though. The guy’s got a lot on his plate. Sort of like you.”

                “Yeah, but it’s worse for him. They’re married. You and I are…,” Alex began before looking away. “Anyway, Kyle said Liz is trying to help Isobel get her memories back.”

                “Yeah,” Michael agreed before frowning. “You and Valenti are hanging out a lot these days, aren’t you?”

                “We kind of got thrown into all of this because of who our families are. It’s been good having someone to talk to about all this.”

                “I just figured you hated him.”

                “I did but he’s not the same person he was back in high school. He’s more like the guy I knew when we were kids.”

                “So he’s a friend now? Like you and I are trying to be?” Michael asked, hoping the slight jealousy he felt didn’t come across.

                Alex stared into his eyes for a long moment before clearing his throat. “What did you want to show me?”

                Guerin hesitated before gesturing him to follow to the clearing behind the Airstream. He opted to lift the cover to the secret bunker with his hands instead of using his mind, reminding himself to take things slow so he wouldn’t fully frighten Alex away.

                “Come on,” he said, lowering himself through the entryway.

                Alex took a deep breath before he started climbing the steps down into the darkness below. When he reached the bottom, the lights had been turned on, easing the tension from his body. He felt Michael’s hands on his waist, helping him from the final step as their faces came within inches of each other. They breathed the same air for a few seconds before Alex cleared his throat and stepped away, focusing on the bunker around him. The equations written on the boards were beyond his understanding and the mechanics scattered around the room seemed lightyears advanced from their time.

                “Why are you showing me all of this?” he suddenly asked, facing him with a frown.

                “If anyone’s going to destroy me, it might as well be you,” Michael shrugged.

                Alex swallowed the sudden hurt he felt.

                “You think I would betray you like that?”

                Michael looked into his eyes and deflated. “No.”

                “Then what?”

                “I always wanted to tell you about this, about what I am but I was too afraid that you would use it as an excuse to walk away for good,” Michael replied, swallowing the lump in his throat.

                “I’m not walking away right now, am I?”

                Michael smiled sadly. “No, you’re not.”

                Alex watched him for another moment before placing the package on the table between them.

                “Open it.”

                Michael hesitated before unwrapping and gasped when he saw the glass inside.

                “That’s the missing piece I’ve been looking for.”

                He watched as Michael lifted the glass towards what Alex realized were parts of a spacecraft. A magnetic force slid the piece against the rest, making it whole. The symbols etched in the glass shined brightly before dimming out.

                “So that’s the plan, then? You want to leave?”

                Michael quickly turned towards him. “For a long time, I did. But now, everything’s jumbled up.”

                “How so?”

                “I want a reason to stay.”

                “Max and Isobel not reason enough?”

                “No,” Michael replied with a shake of his head. “They were adopted by a good family, they weren’t thrown into foster care like I was. I love them but they’re not reason enough to stay.”

                “What is?” Alex whispered.

                “You know the answer to that,” Michael replied.

                Alex tore his eyes away and tipped his chin to the spacecraft. “You can rebuild it now. Whatever you choose to do, I’ll support you.”

                “Alex,” Michael began.

                “Sorry, I just need some air,” he replied, making his way to the ladder and climbing out.

                Once they were both topside and the cover had been replaced, Michael turned to see Alex pacing behind him.

                “I just don’t get it. If you were always planning to leave, why even start anything with me?”

                “I didn’t always want to leave. Only when I was younger and hated how cruel this world was. Before I met you and whenever we were broken up.”

                Alex rubbed the exhaustion from his tired face.

                “You were always my reason to stay,” Michael whispered, reaching out to pull Alex into his arms.

                They took comfort from one another for several beats before the soldier pulled away.

                “You probably want to check on Isobel. I’m going to head over to my dad’s bunker.”

                “Can we get a drink later?” Michael asked, following him to his car. “That’s what friends do, right?”

                Alex hesitated before nodding. “See you at the Wild Pony at seven.”

                Without waiting for a reply, he got back in his car and drove away as Michael watched him go. The hours passed by with Alex buried in paperwork at his dad’s bunker, going through boxes of files that had been stored away. When evening arrived, he went home to his cabin to shower and change before making his way across town. Clearing his throat to steel his nerves, he walked inside the bar and immediately saw Maria behind the counter. The cowardly act would have been to duck out of sight or leave before she saw him but Alex had promised he was done walking away. Making his way towards his friend, he greeted her with a smile.

                “Alex!” she exclaimed, swallowing hard. “Hey, how are you? I wanted to call but I wasn’t sure if…”

                He reached out to hold her hand, stopping her mid ramble.

                “We’re good. You know that, right?”

                “Alex,” she began, tilting her head sadly. “It meant nothing, I promise. If I had known…”

                “I know, Maria. You have nothing to be sorry for, alright?” he assured her. “Guerin and I have had our issues for a very long time.”

                “Since high school, it looks like,” she said quietly. “We’re really good?”

                “I promise,” he repeated.

                “I’m so glad,” she said before smacking his arm. “Now I can slap you silly for never telling me who Museum Guy was! Ten years, Alex!”

                He chuckled lightly at her sudden change. “I didn’t tell anyone, Maria. Only one person knew outside of me and Guerin.”

                “Liz?”

                “No, my dad actually found us the night we slept together for the first time,” Alex explained. “He took a moment that was pure and innocent and destroyed it in seconds.”

                “What do you mean?”

                Alex swallowed hard, hating to relive the memory. “He shattered Guerin’s hand with a hammer.”

                Maria gasped, her expression horrified.

                “That’s why I enlisted. He threatened to do the same to me and to him again, only worse. I could deal with whatever he did to me, had gotten use to it at that point but I couldn’t see him hurt Michael again. Not when I had the power to stop him. So I left.”

                “Alex,” she said, squeezing his hand. “I’m so sorry.”

                He shook his head and smiled. “We tried making things work every time I came back and while I was there but it just never did. We both made mistakes, we hurt each other a lot.”

                “And then you broke up with him through email,” she remembered.

                “Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “I was in the hospital, had lost my leg a few days before. I just wanted to set him free once and for all.”

                “But he never stopped loving you, did he?” she asked quietly.

                “I don’t know. Maybe, I guess. I don’t know,” he shook his head. “Anyway, I told him I want to try and be friends. Let’s see how well that goes. We’re supposed to get drinks here in a few minutes.”

                “Is that what you want? To just be friends?”

                “No,” he said, his honest response making her smile. “But I don’t want to rush into anything again either. We were always so quick to jump into bed. I want to take things slow, I guess. Get to know one another.”

                “I support your decision,” she began before sighing. “But a love like the one the two of you share, spanning over a decade, is one worth fighting for, don’t you think?”

                Alex looked down, his mind going over her words.

                “I’m sorry for what happened, Alex.”

                He looked up at her and rolled his eyes. “I told you not to apologize. We’re family, Maria. Nothing will ever change that.”

                She leaned in to kiss his cheek before handing him his favorite beer. They shared another smile before Alex made his way towards an empty booth, sliding onto the bench and sipping his drink.

                “Hey, man!” Kyle greeted, sliding in across from him. “Good to see you.”

                Alex frowned, shaking his head. “Sorry, just trying to get used to your friendly banter.”

                “Oh come on, I know I was a total ass back in high school. I’ll keep apologizing as long as you need me to but you know we’re totally going to be BFFs again, right?”

                Alex couldn’t help but chuckle at his enthusiasm.

                “Did you talk to Guerin?”

                “Yeah,” he replied, sobering up. “He showed me his own bunker. The technology is insane.”

                “Okay, but did you _talk_ to him?” Kyle pressed, earning a glare.

                “Yes, and we’re trying to start over. Try and be friends.”

                Kyle chuckled, taking a sip of his own beer. “Not sure if you and Guerin could be friends without any of the romantic benefits.”

                “How would you even know? Not like you ever saw us together.”

                “You guys weren’t as subtle as you thought,” Kyle replied. “Whenever you weren’t looking, he’d always be staring at you and when he looked away, your eyes were laser focused on him. Pretty easy to figure out what all that tension was about.”

                “I didn’t realize,” Alex said, sitting up.

                “Dude, I wasn’t trying to upset you. Just saying that you guys care a whole lot about each other and if all this crazy UFO business isn’t making you run for the hills, then why are you trying to only be friends?”

                “He’s building a spaceship,” Alex whispered before leaning back. “Maybe he wants to go home.”

                “And you think he’ll leave if he’s finally with you?” Kyle asked, shaking his head. “I don’t like Guerin all that much and he doesn’t like me but I don’t think you’re giving his feelings for you enough credit.”

                “Yeah, what makes you say that?”

                “Well, because he’s been here for five minutes sitting at the bar, watching us in a mixture of anger, jealousy and ‘the world will end if I can’t have you’ heart eyes,” Kyle replied with a smirk, tilting his head to the side.

                Alex followed his gaze to see Michael sitting at the bar, his body turned towards them. When he noticed he’d been caught, he quickly looked away.

                “Are you hiding, Guerin?” Maria laughed, stopping in front of him.

                “No,” he scoffed. “Alex is busy talking to Valenti. I’ll go over in a bit.”

                Maria looked past his shoulder to the booth, seeing Alex and Kyle engaged in conversation before looking back at Michael.

                “You’re not jealous, are you?” she teased.

                “Of Valenti? Not in the least,” Michael growled.

                “If you say so,” Maria laughed. “Just so you know, a little birdie mentioned to me something about an email you may have received a few years back.”

                Michael scowled at the memory. “What about it?”

                “You said you guys had a lot of hurt between the two of you over the years. Do you know when he sent that email?”

                Michael’s confusion made her lean in.

                “He’d just woken up in the hospital and his leg had been amputated. Whatever he said in his email, it wasn’t what he really wanted to say. You think maybe he wanted to spare you from pain, stop from being a burden? Just a thought.”

                She shrugged and moved away as a stunned Michael glanced behind him, a sudden pain filling his heart at never having realized the truth.

                “Guerin’s all cleaned up. Looks like he made an effort tonight. Nice jeans, clean shirt that actually looks ironed,” Kyle commented.

                “Are you sure you’re not into guys?” Alex frowned, his words making Kyle cackle. “This is so weird. I’m supposed to hate you.”

                “You’ll grow to love me again,” Kyle said with a confident smile before moving so they were sitting together.

                “What are you doing?” Alex asked when Kyle held his hand.

                “Giving Guerin something to be jealous of,” he smirked.

                “Kyle, what the hell is wrong with you?” Alex groaned, pushing at him. “He knows I’m not into you.”

                “Hey!” Kyle exclaimed. “I’m very adorable, you know.”

                “Are you seriously offended?” Alex said with a laugh before lowering his voice. “Are you sure _you’re_ not an alien?”

                Kyle laughed again and secretly looked over his shoulder.

                “A little jealousy never hurt,” he said with a wink and rose to his feet. “I’m an awesome wingman and you’re welcome.”

                Before Alex could respond, Kyle nodded at an approaching Michael and disappeared through the crowd. Michael glared at his retreating back and took a deep breath.

                “Hey,” he greeted, trying to hide his irritation as he slid in across from Alex. “Valenti seemed super friendly.”

                Alex smiled at the jealousy that leaked through.

                “To be honest, you may want to look into him as the fourth alien,” he replied, his words easing the tension from the other man.

                “Good idea,” Michael said with a smirk.

                Alex took a moment to slide his eyes across Michael’s upper body, stopping at the open collar of his shirt before meeting his eyes again. Michael swallowed hard at the intense gaze.

                “Like what you see?” he managed to ask without his voice cracking.

                “Yes,” Alex replied honestly, his answer stumping the other man. “You look good tonight. Like you made a real effort. Even Kyle noticed.”

                Michael chuckled softly.

                “But you always look good. Even when you look like you just rolled out of bed. Especially then,” Alex said, taking a sip of his beer.

                “Does being friends involve flirting?” Michael asked, leaning in towards him. “I can get down with that.”

                Alex blushed and looked away. “How’s Isobel?”

                Michael swallowed his disappointment and leaned back. “She’s better. At least Noah’s talking to her again.”

                “That’s good,” Alex nodded as an idea struck him. “You know, I never even asked what you can do.”

                “Do?” Michael frowned.

                “Yeah, I mean you have a sort of power, right? Kyle said Isobel has some sort of mind control abilities and Max can heal. What about you?”

                Michael watched him for a moment before lowering his gaze to Alex’s collar. Within seconds, the top button slowly opened and the zipper of his jacket lowered a few notches. He looked up nervously to see Alex grinning wide.

                “You can move things?”

                “Yeah, I usually do it with smaller stuff but if I concentrate hard, I can move larger things too.”

                “That’s pretty wild,” Alex said, his ease making Michael smile.

                “What are you doing tomorrow?”

                “I found the location of another bunker in my dad’s files. It’s a couple hours out of town. Figured I’d go check it out, see if there’s anything new.”

                “Want some company?”

                Alex looked at him in surprise. “Sure, that would be nice. I just figured you’d want to stick close to Isobel right now.”

                “She has Max and Liz by her side and maybe Noah again too. Don’t want you driving off into the desert by yourself.”

                “You worried about me, Michael?” Alex said with a small smile. “You do know I have combat experience, right? Done four tours overseas?”

                “Doesn’t mean I can’t still worry about you,” Michael replied with a shrug.

                Alex smiled softly, looking down at his hands.

                “Want to dance?” Michael suddenly asked.

                Alex whipped his head up, noticing the slow music that was playing from the jukebox. “You want to slow dance right now?”

                “Friends dance, don’t they?” Michael replied, rising to his feet.

                Alex looked back at the dance area to see several couples swaying to the music. Most were men and women but to the side were two ladies holding each other as they moved.

                “I…,” he began nervously.

                “DeLuca doesn’t stand for the wrong sort of crowd in her bar. Trust me, I know. Been threatened to be kicked out on my ass one too many times,” Michael said before his smile softened. “Don’t be scared. We’re in a safe place.”

                Alex licked his lips and stared at Michael’s extended hand. If he took the hand and danced with him, it would be the most open display of his sexuality that he had ever shown. Looking into Michael’s eyes, he knew if he turned the offer down, he’d be breaking the other man’s fragile heart. Swallowing his nerves, he pressed their palms together and felt his breath catch when he saw the happy smile on Michael’s face.

                They stood beside the booth for a few moments, simply holding hands in public for the first time before Michael began leading him towards the other couples. Alex kept his gaze away from the crowd around them, too afraid that he might see looks of disdain if he caught their eyes. When they were standing between everyone else, Michael turned around to face him, smiling sweetly. He wrapped one arm around Alex’s waist, bringing their hips flush together before taking Alex’s hand and tangling their fingers together between their chests. Alex bit his lower lip and placed his free hand on Michael’s bicep, gripping him tight.

                As they started gently swaying to the music, Michael moved in even closer and pressed their foreheads together. Alex whimpered and closed his eyes, oblivious to an emotional Maria who made her way towards the jukebox. Slipping in a few quarters, she made a selection just as Kyle approached from behind.

                “Foreigner? Really DeLuca?” he groaned at her song choice. “This is elevator music.”

                “It’s a classic and totally romantic so keep that charming mouth of yours shut, Valenti,” she exclaimed, smacking his arm. “This is a huge moment. Don’t be a jerk.”

                “Hey, I was an awesome wingman back there,” he defended as the music began.

                “Well, keep being your awesome self and let them be,” she whispered before moving past him with Kyle hot on her trail.

  
               _**I've gotta take a little time**_  
_**A little time to think things over**_  
_**I better read between the lines**_  
_**In case I need it when I'm older**_

  
               _**Now this mountain I must climb**_  
_**Feels like the world upon my shoulders**_  
_**Up through the clouds I see love shine**_  
_**It keeps me warm as life grows colder**_  
          

               They swayed slowly from side to side, their eyes squeezed shut.  
 

 _**In my life there's been heartache and pain**_  
_**I don't know if I can face it again** _  
_**Can't stop now, I've traveled so far** _  
_**To change this lonely life** _

                
               Michael lowered his face to Alex’s neck, pressing a soft kiss before breathing him in.

  
               **I wanna know what love is**  
**_I want you to show me_**  
**_I wanna feel what love is_**  
**_I know you can show me_**  


                Michael slipped his hands under Alex’s jacket, pushing the fabric aside so he could press his fingers into the warm skin. Alex gasped at the touch, nervously glancing around them. All he saw were couples busy dancing amongst themselves, no one paying them any attention.

  
               **I'm gonna take a little time**  
**_A little time to look around me_**  
**_I've got nowhere left to hide_**  
**_It looks like love has finally found me_**  
 

               Feeling another kiss against his throat, Alex swallowed hard. “Friends don’t do this.”

               Michael leaned back, his eyes glazed over and full of so much longing that Alex felt his heart would burst. “Is that what you really want?”

  
               **In my life, there's been heartache and pain**  
**_I don't know if I can face it again_ **  
**_Can't stop now, I've traveled so far_ **  
**_To change this lonely life_ **

                 
                Unable to stop himself, Alex leaned in and pressed their lips together, the soft caress making Michael groan. When they pulled apart, Alex shook his head.

                “I shouldn’t have done that.”

                “Yes, you should and you should do it again,” Michael whispered.  
 

 _**I wanna know what love is**_  
**_I want you to show me_ **  
**_I wanna feel what love is_ **  
**_I know you can show me_ **

                 
                Alex closed his eyes to stop his tears from falling. Michael squeezed him even tighter, running his hands across his back.

  
                **I wanna know what love is**  
**_I want you to show me_ **  
**_I wanna feel what love is_ **  
**_I know you can show me_ **

**_  
                _**Looking up, he saw the open love shining in Michael’s eyes.

                “ _You’re_ my home,” Michael said. “You always have been.”

                No longer afraid, Alex wrapped his arms around Michael’s neck and pulled him in, crashing their lips together. Michael groaned, feeling the fist around his heart finally begin to uncurl as he poured all of his love and affection into the kiss. Finally pulling back for air, Alex ran his hands through Michael’s curls, earning a wide smile from the other man.

                “I love you,” he whispered. “Past and present. Always.”

                Michael blinked his own tears away and laughed happily. “I love you too.”

                They kissed again as the song came to an end, but neither was aware of the world around them.

                “Want to go for a ride?” Michael asked with a smirk.

                Alex laughed at his words and nodded. “Yeah, cowboy, take me for a ride.”

                Michael pulled Alex’s hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles, making him blush.

                “I’m done hiding what I feel for you. You’re mine and I want everyone to know it,” he declared.

                “I think I can live with that,” Alex smiled.

                Michael’s own smile widened as he leaned in and kissed him once, hard. Taking his hand, he quickly led Alex through the crowd towards the exit. All Alex could do before they walked out was glance back towards the bar, seeing Maria clasp a hand over her heart while Valenti shot him a huge thumbs up.

                “Seriously, check on Kyle,” Alex repeated once they were alone.

                Michael laughed as he led them towards his truck. Climbing in, he pulled away from the bar and onto the main road as Alex reached across the bench to grasp his free hand. They shared a smile, enjoying the comfortable silence as Michael drove out of town and into the desert. Once they were secluded enough, he pulled off the main road and stopped in an empty field. They made their way to the back, climbing up and sitting side by side, gazing up at the stars overhead.

                “Do you have any idea where you’re from?” Alex eventually asked.

                “No idea. We lost our memories when we woke up,” Michael shrugged, tilting his head to face him. “Things are probably going to get even crazier. We don’t know who the fourth alien is or if your dad had anyone working for him.”

                “We’ll go to the other bunker tomorrow. Start there,” Alex assured, taking his hand and squeezing it between his own.

                “I love you,” Michael whispered, the words making Alex smile.

                “I love you too.”

                They kissed sweetly before Michael moved backwards so he was leaning against the divider window.

                “Well, come here then. I promised you a ride,” he smirked.

                Alex laughed as he crawled towards him, straddling his legs.

                “It amazes me that your cheesy lines have the effect that they do on me.”

                “Only for you, sweetheart,” Michael grinned, gripping Alex’s hips and tugging him in so they were pressed together.

                They both released a groan as Michael slid his hand down Alex’s leg, stopping at the prosthetic.

                “Does it hurt? Do you want to lie down?”

                Alex answered his concern with a hard kiss.

                “As much as I love how protective you are, right now there’s only one thing I want,” Alex said, tenderly touching Michael’s cheek. “I just want to feel you.”

                Michael swallowed to stop his emotions from overwhelming him. Pulling Alex to him, he pressed a kiss over his heart.

                “You and me, for real this time?”

                “For real. I promise,” Alex whispered before their lips touched.

 

 


End file.
